Oh, this is really too much. Even for me…
Remember my penchant for attracting togder photos? Well, I decided to give the penis a special mention in the internet dating guidebook I’m trying to write.
The chapter kinda goes something like this: Ladies, make sure you have eaten a light breakfast before reading this section. Take a couple of steadying breaths and hold my hand while I take you into the murkier side of online dating.
Tallywhackers. Biggus Dickus. Cockosaurus Rex.
Sisters, welcome to the world of Mr Winkey.
From the moment you sign up, be prepared for an inbox full of Purple Peckers in all their morning-glory. You’ll get short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, hairy ones, Brazilian ones, bent ones, thick ones, winking ones, smiling ones and even Mr Sad-Faced ones.
Instead of leaving it there, I had to go one step farther and add the ridiculous:
You’ll get willies in wellies, raincoats and berets…
I was playing around with other ludicrous images to finish the sentence – Stetson-style cowboy hats, Elvis quiffs and custom-made Ros Stewart wigs.
As you do.
But I couldn’t get the phrasing right, so just for fun, I Googled ‘Penis dress-up outfits’. Well! Tickle my foot with a feather, they do actually make dressing-up costumes for Wally the One-Eyed Wonder Wiener! Seriously! You can have Pirate Pete the Penis, or Phallic Fred the Fireman. There’s Private Willy who stands to attention in his army fatigues, or George the Gangsta Genitalia! If you’re in the mood for riding rough, slip your favourite cock into a cowboy costume. Or fancy playing Doctors and Nurses? That’s right! Pick up a set of scrubs for your very own Dr Dick.
And the best bit? All these outfits come complete with matching hats for Happy Harry’s … head!
Don’t believe me? See for yourself!
Or if that’s just a little too wacky for your tastes, but you’d still like a gift to keep your Main Man snuggly, try a dish-cloth penis cozy. Yep, Bernie’s making ‘em to order over on One Mixed Bag. Send her the required measurements and the sparks’ll soon be flying off her crochet hooks! ;-)
As for me, I’m gutted. If only I’d believed in my own stupidity, I could’ve been that Dress-up-your-Dong-dot-com-millionaire!