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The face that launched a thousand clicks…

Peito masculino peludo
Image via Wikipedia

Dating online is like selling double glazing; you have roughly twenty seconds to make a pitch before the door gets slammed in your face.

Unfortunately it’s your profile picture that pretty much determines if you’re in, or out. And I say unfortunately for those of us who will never be knicker-twitchingly gorgeous even when our mugs have been backlit by candlelight, and shot with a soft-focus lens. I know. I tried it.
Don’t despair, however; ugly people do still get laid.
But, for this post, I’m more interested in the hidden clues and messages men leave in their choice of profile picture…
  • The Peacock: He’s in the shower, lounging seductively on a bed or posing in front of a mirror. Wherever, but he’s in the buff and showing off a bunch of colourful tattoos, bulging biceps and enough chest hair to double up as a doormat. Trouble is, he’s forgotten to hide his builders’ bottom and well-defined beer-belly. Oh, and just for the record, guys – I don’t care how impressive your package is, squashing it into Union Jack pants is not a good look.  He’s trying to say, ‘I’m fit. How can you resist me?’ His photo is saying, ‘I’m a self-deluded dick. If you date this guy, just give up wearing make-up ‘cos you’re now third in line for the bathroom mirror, after your new man and his mammoth-sized ego.
  • The Family Man: He’ll be hugging a brood of small children and the family dog/cat/hamster. He’s trying to say, ‘Hey ladies! I’m a family man, a guy you can trust with anything small and furry!’ His photo is saying, ‘My ex took the kids. I’m lonely and desperate to be part of a family again. Look how easily I could slip into yours…’
  • The WYSIWYG: He’s wearing a wooly hat or his oldest jeans with a sweatshirt. He’s been captured in the moment of washing his car or walking the dog, and he’s smiling. What you see is what you get. No pretensions. No vanity. No major hang-ups. His picture does what it says on the tin.
  • The Bird Catcher: His arms are wrapped around another woman. She’s usually blonde and gorgeous, the bitch. He’s trying to say, ‘Look, I’m not desperate. I can pull fit birds anytime I like, it’s just that I’m a bit busy at the moment…’ His photo is saying, ‘ I am desperate. I spend my evenings on The blonde? Oh, she’s my sister…’
  • The Invisible Man: Yep, you guessed it; this guy has no photo, just a glaring blank where his face should be…Now I can understand a teacher choosing this option; who could cope with 4C taking the piss on a wet Friday afternoon. But for the rest of ’em, well, they’ve gotta be married. Simples!
  • The Size-Is-Everything Man: This bloke is sitting on, standing beside or lolling against a big shiny silver car, a monster motorbike no sane person would clamber upon, a fuck-off great big speedboat or a fearsome wild animal. Yep, Mr Cooldude is rubbing a tiger’s belly like you or I might tickle Fluffy the adorable kitty-cat. He’s trying to suggest strength, bravery and a wild throbbing engine, but guys, it comes across as Terrified Male With Size Of Willy Complex.
  • Mr Fun Guy: He’s been snapped at a party, in the pub or down the local nightclub. Location isn’t important as long as there’s alcohol – the more pints he can squeeze into shot, the better. He’s trying to say, ‘Hey babe! Look at me! I’m a good bloke, always up for a laff!’ His photo actually says, ‘Alcoholic.’  Avoid at all costs unless you’re happy clearing up vomit, and don’t mind changing the sheets at 4am because Funguy’s pissed the bed. Again.

About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

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