Seeing as I’m having such a fab time internet dating, I thought you might fancy dipping your toes in the online dating pool. I’ve listed a few tips to get you started:
Nah, only kidding. I’m having a great time. Really.
Do add a profile. Seems obvious, right? But so many drongos just write blah, blah or copy and paste one scintillating phrase to fill the space. Usually it’s something really witty like I am the man with the golden tongue. Yeah, you need to see that seventeen times before breakfast. Your profile should be an introduction, giving the reader an idea who you are, what you’re personality’s like and what kind of partner you’re looking for. Oh, and don’t moan about your ex; grudge-carriers are so unattractive, dahling.
Do add a recent photo. Yes, I know there’s one of you vaguely resembling Bruce Willis during his Die Hard phase, but it’s twenty-years-old. Make it real. You’ll only get caught out in the end. And please make sure you’re wearing clothes. Save the nudity for actual dates. When the lights are off.
Do develop a rhinoceros-hide layer of skin. But don’t, for the love of God, post the photo! Some of your messages will be ignored. It goes with the territory. Take a breath and move on. Their loss, not yours. Unless you’re a penis-cleaving, bunny-boiling psychopath, of course…
Do stay safe. Keep all personal details private until you are sure you can trust someone. This includes surname, home phone number and address. Don’t become Facebook friends. Stick with the messaging services provided by your site and then move onto mobile numbers. Remember: Mr Sweet Talker may suddenly morph into Mr Backstreet Stalker. Not good.
Do talk on the phone before meeting. If you find yourself losing the will to live during a phone conversation, you’re never going to click in real life. Take it from one who knows…
Finally, do take this whole online dating fiasco experience with a cellar’s worth of salt. Some people do find true lurve online, but for most of us, it’s like trying to find an undigested piece of carrot in a steaming great pile of Great Dane dog doop.