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How to avoid nasty looking bottom fungus…

Image via PhotoRee.com

I don’t seem to be having a great deal of luck looking for lurve, but it’s not so bad, you know…

Advantages of being single:

  • Ladies,  you need never shave again! No more fiddly, intimate area trimming, chin-plucking or near-death-experience leg-waxing.  Just let that foliage grow, girls, grow! 
  • You can watch back-to-back chick-flicks for the whole weekend, wearing the same pair of stinky, egg-stained Winnie-the-Pooh pyjamas without some miserable bastard saying, ‘Why are you watching this crap? Football’s on in a minute… Are you crying? God, you are! You’re crying, you wuss!  And what’s that god-awful smell?’
  • As a singleton you always get to sleep on the dry patch. Gone are the days of chafed skin and nasty looking  bottom-fungus.
  • Your new hobby is munching crisps in bed. When you’ve finished, swap sides and sleep on the non-crunchy, non-cheese-and-oniony part of the sheet. Ideal.
  • There is no need to shower or clean your teeth before going to bed. So what if your breath smells like a decaying landfill site? Ain’t nobody there to complain except for the dog, and he kinda likes it. Reminds him of licking his balls.

Disadvantages of being single:

  • You have to put out your own rubbish bags. It’s particularly disastrous when the bag splits because you haven’t been arsed to empty the bin for a week, and it’s midnight, and it’s pissing down and you’re scrabbling over the path for squidgy tea bags, rotting chicken bones and the pungent  remains of last night’s Rogan Josh lamb biriyani.
  • When you’re getting all dressed up for a night on the town, there’s nobody to answer that all important girls’ night out question:  ‘Does my bum look too big?’  Actually, scrap that. Add it to the list of advantages. No woman needs to hear the answer to that particular question unless she’s doped up on Diazepam.
  • PMT is particularly problematic when you’re a Singleton. Screaming at a man is great therapy, although I’ve often found fencing with a newly sharpened carving knife is a much more intimate way of getting in touch with your feminine side. Can’t beat it, really.
  • Finally, there’s no wardrobe-jumping, chandelier-swinging, rampant, all-night sex. But then, it’s the same when you’re married    😉 
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About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

8 responses »

  1. As a gorilla, I find your suggestion that there’s anything wrong with a big bottom highly offensive. But more to the point, is it really true that no man has ever made you laugh? I fear that you’ve been associating with the wrong men, my good woman.

    This is what I do to women who don’t laugh at my jokes. You have been warned.

    Reply
    • Speaking as a woman with a J-Lo-esque bottom, I personally revere and adore the huge arse. The lardier the better, I say. Other women tend to be less enthusiastic about their big-buttedness. The average female will spend approximately 58.5% of her waking hours, peering over her shoulders to see how much her bum has grown during the last week/after a slobby weekend/as a direct result of the previous night’s pizza, chocolate and vodka binge. It is a serious affliction, causing severe pain and involuntary twitching in the muscular region of the neck and waist. It’s the fasting growing RSI, soon to be mentioned in all good British Medical Journals. Obsessive Checking Size of Arse Compulsive Disorder. You heard it here first, Bananas.
      And yes, you make me laugh, but it doesn’t count because you are a gorilla, not a man. However I’m dedicating my next blog post to you, you hairy wonder.
      PS. Have you noticed that we both seem to blog about bottoms? Let’s join forces and co-write a book, celebrating the existence and size of butts. We’ll call it Arses of the World Unite. 😉

      Reply
    • ‘Only after creating a friendly rapport should you ask permission to tweak the flesh in a decent area of the body. Try any naughty stuff and you’re going to get spanked.’
      *swoon* I’ll never sleep again…

      Reply
  2. Hahaha. Do you know how I found this blog? By doing a google blog-search of the word “arse”. Yours is only good one I’ve found so far, but I won’t stop looking.

    Here is our anthem, Ms Temper:

    Reply
  3. What I want to know is: who has a chandelier in their home these days? With how crap houses are built now, one minor tug in the throws of passion would lead to the chandelier and a considerable amount of ceiling raining down on you.

    Reply

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