If you’re reading this, then I’m presuming you’re not dead. And if you’re not dead you will have heard the news. Several times, I would imagine. Even the sexual exploits of the X Factor contestants have been ruthlessly knocked off the front page to make room for The Royal Wedding.
But if you have, just this second, emerged from a coma, and your first conscious thought was to catch up on my pitiful excuse for a love life, then let me fill in the missing blanks: Prince William will marry Kate Middleton in the spring or summer of 2011.
Awww! Ain’t love a bootiful thing? Real-life prince meets and falls in love with a ‘commoner’, drops to one knee in a humble Kenyan hut and jams a fancy ring on her finger. Together they make plans for a lavish, no-expense-spared, fairytale wedding.
And questions abound. Will the ceremony be held at St Paul’s? Or Westminster Abbey? Whose career will be launched by designing the dress? Will she go for a modern style? Or traditional? I have only one simple question: who is footing the bill?
Will the Queen dip into her personal money pot? Or will she ask David Cameron for extra dosh to cover the nuptials? And can we rely on him to give the morally right answer? ‘Sorry, my love. Our country owes trillions of pounds worth of debt. And, at present, we have approximately 2.9 million children living in poverty in the UK. There’d be riots on the streets (again) if I handed over tax-payers’ money to pay for you lot to have a party piss-up at the palace. And we’ve just allocated an extra million for your Diamond Jubilee celebrations in 2012. Nope. No can do. You’re just gonna have to sell off a castle. Or how about a part-time job? I hear they’re taking on at Sainsbury’s. ‘
No, I can’t imagine it, either.
And what exactly is a ‘trillion’? It sounds like a made-up number kids in the playground might use. ‘I’ve got seventeen Barbie dolls and Barbie’s new Mercedes convertible with authentic leather seats. ‘So? I’ve got seventy-three Barbie dolls and Barbie’s new Kensington attic conversion flat with authentic stripped floorboards.’ ‘That’s nuffink! I’ve got a trillion Barbie dolls including the new princess-in-waiting, and she can talk ‘cos she’s been educated. When you pull the string, she says, ‘you know’ every 3.7 seconds in an authentic upper-class accent.’
Although it is jolly nice of the young Royals to announce their plans when the country is in such crisis. Nothing like a nice wedding with a nice frock to cheer us up, take our minds off social inequality, poverty, national debt, university fees, increased bankruptcy rates, repossession, massive job losses and Gillian’s insect phobia in the jungle.
On the bright side, with the new cuts to legal aid, at least we won’t be paying the bill for the Royal Divorce…