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And on a brighter note…

Hmmm...a questionable relationship advice from...

Image by jaimelondonboy via Flickr

If you’re reading this, then I’m presuming you’re not dead. And if you’re not dead you will have heard the news. Several times, I would imagine. Even the sexual exploits of the X Factor contestants have been ruthlessly knocked off the front page to make room for The Royal Wedding.

But if you have, just this second, emerged from a coma, and your first conscious thought was to catch up on my pitiful excuse for a love life, then let me fill in the missing blanks: Prince William will marry Kate Middleton in the spring or summer of 2011.

Awww! Ain’t love a bootiful thing? Real-life prince meets and falls in love with a ‘commoner’, drops to one knee in a humble Kenyan hut and  jams a fancy ring on her finger. Together they make plans for a lavish, no-expense-spared, fairytale wedding.

And questions abound. Will the ceremony be held at St Paul’s? Or Westminster Abbey? Whose career will be launched by designing the dress? Will she go for a modern style? Or traditional? I have only one simple question: who is footing the bill?

Will the Queen dip into her personal money pot? Or will she ask David Cameron for extra dosh to cover the nuptials? And can we rely on him to give the morally right answer? ‘Sorry, my love. Our country owes trillions of pounds worth of debt. And, at present, we have approximately 2.9 million children living in poverty in the UK. There’d be riots on the streets (again) if I handed over tax-payers’ money to pay for you lot to have a party piss-up at the palace. And we’ve just allocated an extra million for your Diamond Jubilee celebrations in 2012. Nope. No can do. You’re just gonna have to sell off a castle. Or how about a part-time job? I hear they’re taking on at Sainsbury’s. ‘

No, I can’t imagine it, either.

And what exactly is a ‘trillion’? It sounds like a made-up number kids in the playground might use. ‘I’ve got seventeen Barbie dolls and Barbie’s new Mercedes convertible with authentic leather seats. ‘So? I’ve got seventy-three Barbie dolls and Barbie’s new Kensington attic conversion flat with authentic stripped floorboards.’ ‘That’s nuffink! I’ve got a trillion Barbie dolls including the new princess-in-waiting, and she can talk ‘cos she’s been educated. When you pull the string, she says, ‘you know’ every 3.7 seconds in an authentic upper-class accent.’

Although it is jolly nice of the young Royals to announce their plans when the country is in such crisis. Nothing like a nice wedding with a nice frock to cheer us up, take our minds off social inequality, poverty, national debt, university fees, increased bankruptcy rates, repossession, massive job losses and Gillian’s insect phobia in the jungle.

On the bright side, with the new cuts to legal aid, at least we won’t be paying the bill for the Royal Divorce…


About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

6 responses »

  1. They could save a lot of money and have more fun by living in sin. If only you were their counsellor, Ms Temper.

    • Indeed! And if they were really feeling the need for marriage, I’d suggest a quick trip to the registry office, followed by a few friends down the the Queen’s Arms for sausage rolls, a pint and a few rounds of Knees up Mother Brown. Honestly, it’s 1981 all over again – recession, Tory government, lavish Royal wedding and riots in the streets! How is the economy faring in the Congo, Mr Bananas?

  2. Banana production is up, but the coconut supply is falling. The beach gigolos continue to milk their assets.

    • Oh God, you do make me laugh! How about a change of scenery, Mr Bananas? Come to Cornwall. I’ll have a word with Newquay Zoo, I’m sure they’d love to have you. You won’t get the weather, but you would have the natives to observe – a new species of under-aged alcoholic. Plenty for you to write about 🙂

  3. They should go and get hitched in Vegas. The Americans would love it.


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