Anyone who’s dangled a toe in the murky pool of online dating will know that trying to decipher a user’s profile is a lot like sifting through grit in the hope of locating a pearl. And chances are, all you’re gonna get for your effort, is crap underneath your fingernails.
When a woman describes herself as cuddly, does that mean she enjoys a hug, or that physically, she’s a bit of a hippo? When a man says he’s mature, is he saying he’s responsible, or older than your dad?
Honestly it’s a minefield for the uninitiated.
But it’s your lucky day! I’ve already done the decoding. Here is one part one of Reading between the lines – what those descriptions and phrases really mean:
On women’s profiles:
Voluptuous ~ has massive bazookas.
Curvy ~ fat. Tends to wear leggings to stop her thighs from chafing.
Slim ~ still waiting for her boobs to grow.
Average looking ~ not hideous enough to make you vomit. Just to be on the safe side plan a date with subdued lighting.
A few extra pounds ~ really fat. Or pregnant.
BBW – Big Beautiful Woman ~ definitely female. Don’t ever let her go on top or you’ll end up in traction.
Sporty ~ loves watching
tight buns and chunky thighs rugby on the telly.
Strong sense of self ~ a ball-breaker.
Bubbly~ loud and annoying. Laughs like a constipated donkey and is really embarrassing in public.
Emotionally secure ~ takes Prozac.
Calm and laid-back ~ takes Prozac and Diazepam.
Open-minded ~ thinks your best mate looks hot.
High spirited ~ has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Self medicates with Speed.
A good sense of humour ~ only ever laughs at someone else’s misfortune. And when she hears the word ‘willy’.
Artistic ~ a high maintenance manic-depressive.
Romantic ~ thinks Cinderella was a True Movie. She’ll expect flowers, chocolates and cute cuddly toys for each weekly anniversary.
Independent ~ has control issues.
Attractive ~ she’s a bimbo airhead.
Loyal ~ overly possessive. Ditch this one and the bunny gets it.
A bit of a hippy ~ hasn’t shaved her armpits since 1987.
An active social life ~ yeah, on Facebook.
Great personality ~ looks like Quasimodo.
Old-fashioned kind of girl ~ No sex on a first date. And she doesn’t do oral.
Quite shy at first ~ until she’s downed a barcardi and coke and then you’ll have to peel her off your penis. At least ’til you’re out of the pub.
Looks aren’t important ~ she’s only interested in your bank balance.
Friendship first ~ she needs to let the antibiotics work before she can shag you.
Recently separated ~ on the rebound. You’re soo getting laid tonight.
Likes a man to be a man ~ expect to pay for everything.
Looking for an older man ~ her daddy calls her princess and she believes him.
Looking for a younger man ~ she’s about to hit the menopause and her hormones have gone bonkers. She wants hot fast sex, and she wants it now!
Translating male profiles tomorrow 🙂