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The Tiny Translation Guide to dating terms and phrases…

this is the perfect description for an online ...

Image by kthread via Flickr

Anyone who’s dangled a toe in the murky pool of online dating will know that trying to decipher a user’s profile is a lot like sifting through grit in the hope of locating a pearl. And chances are, all you’re gonna get for your effort, is crap underneath your fingernails.

When a woman describes herself as cuddly, does that mean she enjoys a hug, or that physically, she’s a bit of a hippo? When a man says he’s mature, is he saying he’s responsible, or older than your dad?

Honestly it’s a minefield for the uninitiated.

But it’s your lucky day! I’ve already done the decoding. Here is one part one of Reading between the lines – what those descriptions and phrases really mean:

On women’s profiles:

Voluptuous has massive bazookas. 
Curvyfat. Tends to wear leggings to stop her thighs from chafing.
Slim still waiting for her boobs to grow.
Average looking ~ not hideous enough to make you vomit. Just to be on the safe side plan a date with subdued lighting.
A few extra pounds ~ really fat. Or pregnant.
BBW – Big Beautiful Woman ~ definitely female. Don’t ever let her go on top or you’ll end up in traction.
Sporty ~ loves watching tight buns and chunky thighs  rugby on the telly.
Strong sense of self ~ a ball-breaker.
Bubblyloud and annoying. Laughs like a constipated donkey and is really embarrassing in public.
Emotionally secure ~ takes Prozac.
Calm and laid-back ~ takes Prozac and Diazepam.
Open-minded ~ thinks your best mate looks hot.
High spirited ~ has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Self medicates with Speed.
A good sense of humour ~ only ever laughs at someone else’s misfortune. And when she hears the word ‘willy’.
Artistic ~ a high maintenance manic-depressive.
Romantic ~ thinks Cinderella was a True Movie. She’ll expect flowers, chocolates and cute cuddly toys for each weekly anniversary.
Independenthas control issues.
Attractive she’s a bimbo airhead.
Loyal ~ overly possessive. Ditch this one and the bunny gets it.
A bit of a hippyhasn’t shaved her armpits since 1987.
An active social life ~ yeah, on Facebook.
Great personality ~ looks like Quasimodo.
Old-fashioned kind of girl ~ No sex on a first date. And she doesn’t do oral.
Quite shy at first ~ until she’s downed a barcardi and coke and then you’ll have to peel her off your penis. At least ’til you’re out of the pub.
Looks aren’t important ~ she’s only interested in your bank balance.
Friendship first ~ she needs to let the antibiotics work before she can shag you.
Recently separated on the rebound. You’re soo getting laid tonight.
Likes a man to be a man expect to pay for everything.
Looking for an older man ~ her daddy calls her princess and she believes him.
Looking for a younger man ~ she’s about to hit the menopause and her hormones have gone bonkers. She wants hot fast sex, and she wants it now!

Translating male profiles tomorrow  🙂

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About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

10 responses »

  1. I wondering what word is used for “big wobbly arse”? Spankable?

    Reply
  2. That should be “I’m wondering”.

    Reply
  3. wow! your cynicism (not entirely misplaced) makes me feel like a bit of an optimist (tough thing to do). you are hysterically funny & i can’t wait to read your installment on online men to truth translation guide! 🙂 keep up the great work!

    Reply
    • Aww, thanks. God gave some women breasts. He gave me cynicism. What can I say?! Was expecting a deluge of really stroppy comments tbh, so I’m glad the post was taken in the spirit it was written 🙂 Sounds like your holiday was fun 😉 Glad you stopped by – reminds me I must add you to my blogroll!

      Reply
      • My holiday was great fun, thanks! Drunk, stupid & slutty (okay, not really on the last part, but damn if that wouldn’t have made vacay even better!).

        Eh, anyone who doesn’t read your entries with a sense of humor shouldn’t be on here anyways! 😉

        Thanks for the blogroll addition (boy, i feel special!) …. for some reason, though, my primary blog doesn’t come up as it’s supposed to and my ‘top secret boring as hell one does’.

        As I would hate to bore anyone to tears with all my introspective bullshit, here’s the ‘better’ one: http://ellensguidetobadinternetdating.wordpress.com/

        (and by ‘better’, i mean just not as crappy – gotta set that bar low!)

      • Ahh, that explains my confusion! Thank God. I thought I was going senile 🙂 Will sort that one out tonight. Thanks for the heads up 🙂

  4. Dare I ask what you tend to qualify yourself as when it comes to these sorts of descriptions?

    Reply

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