And now to translate the men’s profiles!
Athletic ~ spends all this free time at the gym. Will expect you to be just as
obsessed disciplined. Carrying a few extra pounds ~ think Johnny Vegas but without the humour.
Average ~ could be anything from the Elephant Man to the Seven Dwarves.
Sporty ~ spends every evening playing X Box.
Adventurous ~ desperate for a threesome. Bring a friend.
Independent ~ you’re never getting your hands on this guy’s front-door key.
Up for a laugh ~ an alcoholic
Uninhibited ~ has a flatulence problem.
Romantic ~ a complete wuss.
Affectionate ~ groping in public really turns him on.
Passionate ~ horny.
Loyal ~ a stalker.
Sensitive ~ mummy’s boy. Don’t upset him, or he’ll cry.
Artistic ~ unemployed and broke, but you will get an over-the-top, gushy handwritten poem on your birthday.
Mature ~ much older than he’s admitting.
Distinguished ~ ancient. This one’ll complain of prostate problems but luckily, he’ll be napping before he gets to the gory details.
Good looking ~ looks great modelling white Calvin Klein underpants, but ask him to do anything more challenging, and he’s screwed.
Just an ordinary guy ~ is as boring as fuck. Has no personality at all and resorts to chatting about the weather. Thinks your conversation is scintillating. He looks at you with adoring eyes and a soppy grin. Reminds you of a puppy.
Bit of a hippie ~ showers once a fortnight and believes in sleeping around.
An entrepreneur ~ sells stolen goods out of the back of a battered white van.
Friendship First ~ he’s impotent.
Not looking for casual sex ~ You’ve accidentally clicked on a woman’s profile. Go back to the blokes’ page.
Gone past the clubbing scene ~ embarrassed to be seen in public since he started dancing like his dad.
Likes to really let go in the bedroom ~ a premature ejaculator.
Recently separated ~ and feeling rejected. Has major trust issues. Will need lots of reassurance and cuddling. Can you be arsed?
Loves riding my motorbike ~ having a midlife crisis.
An old-fashioned kind of guy ~ he wears the trousers, now get in that kitchen and cook him a roast.
Looks aren’t important ~ he hasn’t had sex in years. If he doesn’t get some soon, his scrotum’s gonna spontaneously combust.
Likes to show a girl a good time ~ after a night with this guy, you won’t walk straight for a week.
Looking for an older woman ~ has unresolved mummy issues.
Looking for a younger woman ~ he’s a pervert.