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The Tiny Translation Guide part 2

Geo. Lurich (LOC)

Image by The Library of Congress via Flickr

And now to translate the men’s profiles!

Athletic ~ spends all this free time at the gym. Will expect you to be just as obsessed disciplined. Carrying a few extra pounds ~ think Johnny Vegas but without the humour.
Average ~ could be anything from the Elephant Man to the Seven Dwarves.
Sporty ~ spends every evening playing X Box.
Adventurous ~ desperate for a threesome. Bring a friend.
Independent ~ you’re never getting your hands on this guy’s front-door key.
Up for a laugh ~ an alcoholic
Uninhibited ~ has a flatulence problem.
Romantic ~ a complete wuss.
Affectionate ~ groping in public really turns him on.
Passionate ~ horny.
Loyal ~ a stalker.
Sensitive ~ mummy’s boy. Don’t upset him, or he’ll cry.
Artistic ~ unemployed and broke, but you will get an over-the-top, gushy handwritten poem on your birthday.
Mature ~ much older than he’s admitting.
Distinguished ~ ancient. This one’ll complain of prostate problems but luckily, he’ll be napping before he gets to the gory details.
Good looking ~ looks great modelling white Calvin Klein underpants, but ask him to do anything more challenging, and he’s screwed.
Just an ordinary guy ~ is as boring as fuck. Has no personality at all and resorts to chatting about the weather. Thinks your conversation is scintillating. He looks at you with adoring eyes and a soppy grin. Reminds you of a puppy.
Bit of a hippie ~ showers once a fortnight and believes in sleeping around.
An entrepreneur ~ sells  stolen goods out of the back of a battered white van.
Friendship First ~ he’s impotent.
Not looking for casual sex ~ You’ve accidentally clicked on a woman’s profile. Go back to the blokes’ page.
Gone past the clubbing scene ~ embarrassed to be seen in public since he started dancing like his dad.
Likes to really let go in the bedroom ~ a premature ejaculator.
Recently separated ~ and feeling rejected. Has major trust issues. Will need lots of reassurance and cuddling. Can you be arsed?
Loves riding my motorbike ~ having a midlife crisis.
An old-fashioned kind of guy ~ he wears the trousers, now get in that kitchen and cook him a roast.
Looks aren’t important ~ he hasn’t had sex in years. If he doesn’t get some soon, his scrotum’s gonna spontaneously combust.
Likes to show a girl a good time ~ after a night with this guy, you won’t walk straight for a week.
Looking for an older woman ~ has unresolved mummy issues.
Looking for a younger woman ~ he’s a pervert.

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About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

7 responses »

  1. “Sporty ~ spends every evening playing X Box.” Y’know, I’ve been having a conversation online today with a bunch of videogame journalists, and they say they’re scared to admit to anyone, especially the opposite sex, what they do for a living. Got any advice?

    Reply
    • How bizarre! That’s gotta be one of the most coveted jobs as well. In fact my son wanted you to take him on for his school’s work experience! 🙂 They’ve just gotta be brave and explain that by playing games, they’re fulfilling one of their basic male instincts – shooting, protecting and competing. That’s why so many boys/men are into the COD type games. It just proves they’re all man and operating on pure instinct and testosterone 🙂 It’s a shame really, because the whole X Box joke scenario is just a cultural ‘joke’. Nobody means anything offensive by it – it’s a way of affectionate communication between the sexes, in the same way boys will say, ‘Get in the kitchen, wench and make me a sandwich!’ Nobody actually believes it. It’s a way of saying, ‘Me, girl. You, boy!’ A teasing awarenes of gender differences. Your guys should be proud to get paid for doing something they love – not many people can say that about their work 🙂

      Reply
  2. I have shown this post to one of my private correspondents, a woman who belongs to an internet dating site. “How do you identify the men who’ll go down on a woman?” she asked. I said I’d put her question to you and the other knowledgeable ladies who read this blog.

    Reply
    • An interesting question, Mr Bananas. The answer, I would say, lies in the man’s profile. Tell your friend to look for someone who describes himself as a patient tuna lover. Study the photo. Always opt for someone who looks a bit daft. Those soppy guys are soo grateful they’ll do just about anything to please a woman. Another giveaway is the guy with the very long tongue who appears to be breathing through his ears.
      I’ll throw this open for others to add their advice. I do hope she finds what she’s looking for. Remember, keep the faith!

      Reply
  3. I think you’ve made me feel a lot better on the whole thing. Will use your pearls of wisdom next time the topic comes up in conversation.

    As for work experience, I wouldn’t be able to offer any personally, but I can come round sometime to talk through with him and you how best to try and get some in this area of the media.

    Reply
    • It’s a cool career, really. And jokes only work as long as there is an element of surprise. As soon as the punchline becomes familiar, the joke ceases to be funny and people move on. Most peeps aren’t trying to be offensive, they’re trying to be funny – to find a way of connecting with someone. I mean, look at me. I’d have no friends if I had to rely on my looks or personality 😉

      Reply
  4. Pingback: Where’s the Love? | My Not So Fictional Life

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