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Quasimodo WLTM a complete wuss who likes groping in public…

Alexander Ostuzhev as Quasimodo, 1925.

Image via Wikipedia

Okay, here’s my dating profile according to Tiny’s Online Translation Guide.

Feel free to mail me for a date, but for the love of Mars bars and other things holy, don’t send me pictures of your pecker!

I’m not hideous enough to make you vomit, but let’s play it safe by dating somewhere with subdued lighting. On no. Silly me! I just looked in the mirror and I actually resemble Quasimodo having a big, bad hair day.

I have a spankable butternut-squash-shaped bottom and am still waiting for my boobs to grow. In fact every time I get a pimple, I become over-excited, hoping that I’m finally about to enter puberty.

I only ever laugh at other people’s misfortune and whenever someone says the word ‘willy’. Or ‘knob’. And especially the number ’69’.

I’m loud and annoying, and I laugh like a constipated donkey. When people let me out in public, they always tell others I’m on day release from the local Care in the Community programme. I do have major control issues – you can keep your front-door key, Mister. I have a shiny silver one of my own. I do take Prozac – the anti-depressantΒ of the stars.

I’m looking for a man who won’t admit to his true age. A complete wuss who enjoys groping in public places, and will titter alongside me whenever someone says the word ‘willy’. Or ‘knob’. And especially when we hear the number ’69’.

I expect you to pay for dinner. And dessert. And coffee. And an after-dinner liqueur. At the end of the evening, you will thank me for being such good company and then walk me to my car.

Horny is acceptable, but no mummy’s boys, please; I would frequently make you cry. Would be particulary delighted to hear from anyone with flatulence problems in the bedroom.Β  πŸ˜‰

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About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

14 responses »

  1. Damn, you sound irresistible! Aren’t there any men left who appreciate a real woman?

    So you wouldn’t laugh at “todger” then? Or a man whose name is “Peter Penis”?

    Reply
    • I know! I can’t quite believe I’m still single either! I’m afraid I would giggle at the word ‘todger’ or ‘Peter Penis’ or even ‘shag pile’. I just don’t wanna see any more photos! I’m all todgered out πŸ™‚

      Reply
  2. You sound like an absolutely charming example of the fairer sex.

    Reply
  3. Hehe…you said 69 πŸ˜›

    Reply
  4. Haha, I’ve been trying to arrange a visa to visit some godforsaken country in West Africa, and Norway next week in between !

    As a friend said to me, “You can always trust Dan to take it to the gutter” !

    Reply
    • Good grief! What an exciting life you lead. I feel adventurous if I’m going to ASDA on a Saturday morning. How long a long trip will it be? ‘Take it to the gutter’ – I like it πŸ™‚

      Reply
  5. Oh incidentally…purple headed monster :-

    Reply
  6. I think I’ve got some guys for you Tiny …….. I shall ship them off to you on the first freight out of here! πŸ˜‰ Hey, being the environmentally kind people that we are, maybe we could start some sort of a bad-date-recycling-program?

    Reply
  7. What would you recycle these bad dates into? You could sell body parts to worthy causes (excluding todgers, we don’t need those being emailed more than once), or you could ship them whole to an intensive training schedule where they would learn to be real men with useful skills for every room in the house. We could then set up a rehoming agency, much like Battersea dogs home. This specimen likes it in the kitchen with the lights on and is handy in the garden. Good with women, cats and children but doesn’t like crowds! I’m getting carried away now so better stop πŸ™‚

    Reply

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