Reading Ellen’s Guide yesterday reminded me of the good ol’ Favourites’ List. It’s not a complicated system – just a page, containing all your favourite potential datees. It’s like social bookmarking for saddos.
My list is empty. I probably don’t need to explain why… But I have been added to five favourites’ pages. Oh lucky, lucky me.
The first is Babyface – the original todger-flasher (short, squat and wrinkly), who likes ‘collecting clowns on the beach’ and ‘melting with others’.
Then we have Fisherman – extremely distinguished i.e. older than my granddad and author of my last ‘Do you want to see my one-eyed trouser-snake?’ e-mail.
And Bald-Brian who quips, ‘Sharks are like dogs. They only bite when you touch their private parts. Hee hee hee’.
The Octopus who’s looking for his ‘solemate’. Sounds a bit fishy to me…
Finally, the Seahorse who wants a ‘nice female to hang out’.
I give up. Really.
But, what’s more confusing than the fact that I can only ever attract strange men, is why keep a list like this in the first place? Because these guys don’t ever make contact with you. It’s bizarre, really. Like buying your favourite Death by Chocolate dessert and never taking it out of the freezer, or worse still, pulling it out once a week and drooling over it! Eek!
And as for the other two Herberts. Well, if you’d sent someone photos of your dangly bits (or indeed, the offer of such) and had been completely blanked, would you consider that person a Favourite? I can’t work it out, honestly.
There’s another bonus feature on my site, called Meet me! That’s just the same. You trawl through users’ photos, and if you see someone you like, you click the ‘Yes! I’d like to meet you!’ button. Again, what’s the freakin’ point? Because these guys do nothing about it! Plenty of Fish should really install a button, saying ‘Yes! I’d like to meet you, but I can’t be arsed to make a move because I’m too busy wanking over the photos in my Favourites’ List!’
Ye Gods, is it any wonder I’m a cynic?