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10 things guys should never say on a first date…

healthy penis

Image by sninky-chan via Flickr

  • My penis is called Mr Winkey ~ Do I need to elaborate? No, I thought not.
  • Do you like it doggy style?  Maybe, but you’ve just lost the chance of ever finding out. Introducing anything sexual on a first date is like signing your own death warrant. A girl wants to be wooed, not rude.
  • I live with my mum ~ and I’ve never had to take responsibility for any of my actions, or do my own washing. You won’t ever make a steak and kidney pie to match my mum’s, but I’ll expect you to spend your life trying. And laundering my Y-fronts.
  • Hi, my name’s Stuart and I’ve written a book ~ if a bloke ever says this to you on a date, take my advice and run! Don’t look back, just run. Run like your arse is on fire.
  • Can I kiss you? What a wussy-wufty thing to say! But it tells me everything I need to know: this guy is an insecure schoolboy incapable of taking the lead. He needs to man up and grow a pair.  Instead of asking permission, he should just bloody well do it!
  • You look much younger in your photo ~ crikey, and that’s before he’s seen you naked. Imagine how cherished he’ll make you feel when he’s got your flabby thighs wrapped around his neck.
  • God! Did you not ask anyone how big your bum looked when you put those jeans on? See above.
  • I’m on antidepressants, and/or I cry a lot ~ just put the poor bastard out of his misery right there and then, and stab him with a steak knife. Seriously, if he coughs up this much intimate info on a first date, he’s way too happy in his own wretchedness, and clearly not yet ready to let go. If you haven’t got the stomach for murder, walk away. Now. Before you’re begging him for Prozac.
  • Are those for real? Nobody’s ever made this comment to me as it’s pretty damned obvious I’ve never had a boob job; who in their right mind would pay  for a couple of fried eggs (penny-sweet-sized) boobies? But rather more endowed friends have assured me this is a common question. Ye Gods!
  • I’m still a virgin only acceptable if your date is aged sixteen. If he’s reached forty and claims never to have done the dirty, then don’t be fooled; he’s either lying or he has no pecker. And God help us all if he really is a middle-aged innocent. I mean, who wants to re-live that particular cherry-popping moment – ‘No, love, technically you’re still a virgin. It doesn’t count if you come in your pants.’

About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

4 responses »

  1. Tiny, did you ever see the guy who would said really inappropriate things on a date..I think it was on the Armstrong & Miller Show. I am going to disagree with you with “Can I kiss you”, because in the right circumstances that’s a nice thing to say. Permission is kind of needed…because otherwise you will have a tentacle tongue sampling your breakfast !

    Adding to “Things a girl shouldn’t say”, I would like to add “And the policeman in the airport wasn’t happy with the knife in my bag” and also “That was the second time I ended up in court” !


    • No, I didn’t see that one. Personally I hate the whole permission to kiss thing, but I’m old-fashioned; I like a man to take the lead sometimes. I guess it’s a personal thing. Be interesting to hear what others have to say. Still, I suppose, if a guys asks, at least you have the chance to respond with No, thanks. Your breath stinks! 😉
      I love the other suggestions 🙂 I so need you to write a post from a man’s perspective. You’ve got a spare fortnight coming up 😉 x

  2. I have to agree with Danny on the permission to kiss debate(!) One particular ex on our first meeting (which was supposed to be a do you want to do business meeting!) after talking about business for hours came over, sat next to me, and as his faced approached mine asked if he could kiss me…. Didn’t actually have time to answer but he knew how I felt 🙂


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