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Curt the Cocky Cowboy or Pirate Pete the Penis. Your choice…

Oh, this is really too much. Even for me…        

Phallic parnsnip

Image by Fireflies604 via Flickr

Remember my penchant for attracting togder photos? Well, I decided to give the penis a special mention in the internet dating guidebook I’m trying to write.

The chapter kinda goes something like this: Ladies, make sure you have eaten a light breakfast before reading this section. Take a couple of steadying breaths and hold my hand while I take you into the murkier side of online dating.

Tallywhackers. Biggus Dickus. Cockosaurus Rex.

Sisters, welcome to the world of Mr Winkey.

From the moment you sign up, be prepared for an inbox full of Purple Peckers in all their morning-glory. You’ll get short ones, skinny ones, fat ones, hairy ones, Brazilian ones, bent ones, thick ones, winking ones, smiling ones and even Mr Sad-Faced ones.

Instead of leaving it there, I had to go one step farther and add the ridiculous:

You’ll get willies in wellies, raincoats and berets…

I was playing around with other ludicrous images to finish the sentence – Stetson-style cowboy hats, Elvis quiffs and custom-made Ros Stewart wigs.

As you do.

But I couldn’t get the phrasing right, so just for fun, I Googled ‘Penis dress-up outfits’. Well! Tickle my foot with a feather, they do actually make dressing-up costumes for Wally the One-Eyed Wonder Wiener! Seriously! You can have Pirate Pete the Penis, or Phallic Fred the Fireman. There’s Private Willy who stands to attention in his army fatigues, or George the Gangsta Genitalia! If you’re in the mood for riding rough, slip your favourite cock into a cowboy costume. Or fancy playing Doctors and Nurses? That’s right! Pick up a set of scrubs for your very own Dr Dick.

And the best bit? All these outfits come complete with matching hats for Happy Harry’s … head!

Don’t believe me? See for yourself!

Or if that’s just a little too wacky for your tastes, but you’d still like a gift to keep your Main Man snuggly, try a dish-cloth penis cozy. Yep, Bernie’s making ’em to order over on One Mixed Bag.  Send her the required measurements and the sparks’ll soon be flying off her crochet hooks!        😉    

As for me, I’m gutted. If only I’d believed in my own stupidity, I could’ve been that Dress-up-your-Dong-dot-com-millionaire!


About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

6 responses »

  1. Grey Goose, Dirty

    that’s even more disturbing than the people that dress up their little dogs!

    and btw, i’m feeling a bit left out in all of this. with the plethora of tools and douchebags that have contacted me over the past year, i have yet to get a picture of wee-willie-winkie 😦 don’t they like me? 😉

  2. I feel your pain about the purple peckers in the email. When I did internet dating, every other reply was a picture of a penis. Some of them were just so sad. I would wonder, “How could you be proud of that? I have see carrots with more of a diameter.” I was looking for a partner based on things other than penis size. Though a nice size is a plus.
    Don’t you wonder when do the guys used the “dress up” penis clothes? Do they wear them on a date and then when its time to get busy present it? “Look, Sally! Its my little buddy “super penis” What do you think of the cape on his costume?” I would run like hell.
    Thanks for the shout out about the penis cozy. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to make another at gunpoint.

    • I know! It makes you wonder what’s going through their tiny minds when they send those pics… The dress-up thing made me wet myself! Apparently it’s a form of foreplay *puzzled face* Maybe I’m just getting old! 🙂 What’s wrong with ‘Give it to me, Big Boy’? or ‘Brace yourself, lovey. I’m coming in’!

  3. LOL . . . that is too funny!! Love your post . . .

    I’m following you from Bernie’s blog . . . loved her post about the penis cozy 🙂

    How well I remember the days of being single and looking for Prince Charming online . . . I found him, but had to endure a population of weirdo men who enjoyed showing their Mr. Winkey. What’s up with that . . . not a pretty sight! It is the perfect example of how not to impress a woman . . .

    Looking forward to reading more of your blog!!

    Have an awesome day . . . Gina

    • Hi Gina, am sure I tried to read your blog recently but my laptop doesn’t seem to like Blogger – takes ages to load… But I will try again, promise 🙂
      I don’t get the Winkey thing either. Really wish I’d kept copies and set up a Facebook name and shame page! 🙂
      Thanks for signing up – will visit soon!


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