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Be afraid. Be very afraid…

Welcome to My Mind

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Today, as a special treat, I’m giving you a glimpse into the workings of my mind. Enter at your own risk; I accept no responsibility for your personal welfare once you are inside my head.

For a while now I’ve been feeling ill. No specific symptoms, just a general feeling of urgghhh! Tired all the time, way too much falling asleep during the day, dizziness, lethargy, no energy, miserable-old-cow-syndrome

The first visit to doctor went like this:

Tiny: ‘I feel like poo.’
Dr: ‘You’re depressed. Have some Prozac’

A month later:

Tiny: ‘I still feel like poo.’
Dr: ‘You’re very depressed. Have double the dosage of Prozac.’

A month later:

Tiny: ‘I feel like really bad, stinky, smelly poo.’
Dr: ‘You have Seasonal Affective Disorder. Here, have a light box.’

A month later:

Tiny: ‘I’m now a rancid turd that’s been stuck in the U-bend for a month.’
Dr: ‘Okay, let’s run some blood tests.’

A week later:

Dr: ‘Blood tests are fine, but you do seemed stressed. I think you have anxiety issues.’
Tiny: ‘Give me a break! I don’t have the energy to be anxious!’
Dr: ‘Try resting more. Here, have these Diazepam.’
Tiny: ‘If I ‘rest’ any more, I’ll be permanently comatose!’


Tiny: ‘Okay, I’ve tried everything you’ve suggested, even though I said, right from the start, that this was physical, not psychological. On Tuesday I slept for ten hours. I had another six hour’s worth of naps during the day. This morning I got up and fainted. SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH ME!!’
Dr: ‘Are you pregnant?’
Tiny: ‘Of course I’m not bloody pregnant! I haven’t bonked for decades! Don’t you read my blog?!’

I was in that examination room for an hour. Apparently, on close inspection, my sodium and glucose levels have been low for years. My potassium levels have been high for years. Coupled with low blood-pressure and my other weird symptoms, I may have  something called Addison’s Disease. It’s a rare hormonal deficiency of the adrenal glands. Or something.

In the meantime, while I’m waiting to be tested, I do what any normal, self-respecting, rational adult would do: I Google the illness for all the gory details and I PANIC!

This is the conversation that played out in my head last night – two voices – one for Rational Tiny and one for Completely-Neurotic-Oh-My-God-I’m-Going-To-Die Tiny:

‘Oh-my-God! It’s a lifelong disease. I’ll have to be treated for life!’

‘It’s rare. You probably don’t even have it.’

‘Oh-my-God! But I might! And Google says it’s a chronic disease! Oh-my-God! I might have a chronic disease!’

Calm down. Chronic just means long-term. You already know it’s a long-term problem.’

‘Oh-my-God! It’s serious! Your body can go into shock! And a coma! And you can die! Oh-my-God! I’m going to die! I’m going to die!’

‘We’re all gonna die, love. Just not tonight. Now, get a grip!’

Oh-my-God! I’m going to die! I’m going to die and I haven’t written a will!’

‘For fuck’s sake! You’ve got nothing to leave! And you are not going to die tonight!’

‘Oh-my-God! I feel really ill now…I’m having palpitations! Oh-my-God! I’m having a heart attack! I’m having a heart attack and I’m gonna go into shock. Oh-my-God! I’m going into shock! I’m gonna end up in coma! After the coma, it’s death! Oh-my-God! I’m going in to a coma and then I’m gonna die!’

‘You’re having a fucking panic attack, you muppet!’

‘Oh-my-God! This disease can be a secondary problem to AIDS. Oh-my-God! I might have AIDS! Oh-my-God, my children! I might have given my children AIDS! Oh-my-God! We’re all gonna die!’

‘You’re really getting on my tits, now! Shut up, for God’s sake! You’re panicking, that’s all! Now, breathe, and just wait for the doctor to make a decision.’

‘But, oh-my-God! I might -‘

‘Shut up! I mean it!’

‘But, oh-‘

‘Shut the fuck up! Now! Or I swear to God I’ll slap you!’

‘Oh-my-God! You can’t slap me! I might go into shock and then lapse into a coma and then I might die!’

‘You’re right! You are going to die! Any minute now, you are going to die! Because I’m just about to fucking well stab you!’

Welcome to my world.


About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

18 responses »

  1. You are a riot!!! By the way…one of my best friends was diagnosed with Addison’s disease when we first graduated from college…we are waaaay past college now and she is still with us and managing nicely…I don’t know if that is what you have but you will manage, and quite nicely with a little but of cortisone you’ll be good as new! Now, do you look very Tan? because that is another symptom, and she did…so just wondering…

    So as Rational Tiny would say…”shut up! Relax! and let that quack of a doctor figure this out”

    Pinkim! TrulySimplyPink

    • You’re right, I know, Kim! I don’t look tanned but do have irregular brown splotches on my face – kind of like big freckles. No wonder I’m still single 🙂

      I’ll wait and see, but it is reassuring to hear about your college friend – maybe I’ll live out the year 😉

  2. LMAO!! I hate the voices in my head. They talk but no action. Slackers!

    My hormones are so out of whack it’s amazing I haven’t killed anyone yet! I blame everything on hormones.

    Nothing some hormone replacement therapy can’t help ya with! You’ll be fine!

  3. Grey Goose, Dirty

    Tiny, I’m sorry to hear about your possible Addison’s. You know better than to ever google anything! Addison’s is entirely treatable with meds – no biggie, just add a couple more pills to your collection. Not to oversimplify, but as I do rescue work (and NO, i’m NOT comparing you to a dog), lots of pups have Addison’s. It’s the opposite of Cushings and although yes, you can only regulate it and not cure it, it’s a simple protocol.

    You’re not dying and hopefully soon you will no longer feel like a big ole’ stinky turd! 🙂

    Please keep us posted! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

    Oh, and your doctor sounds like a complete moron … as most doctors are

    • Thanks, Ellen. And I don’t mind being compared to a cute puppy, either! Rescue work – wow! You’re doing a great job, hon!

      And don’t worry – you’ll be the first to know what happens next! 🙂

  4. It sounds as if you’ve got a split personality disorder as well. But I could easily cure you of your underactive adrenal gland – no woman who’s being chased a gorilla is ever short of adrenaline.

  5. LMAO – Do those voices in your head ever disappear? I think they may be visiting me from time to time!

    I hope that whatever the problem is, it can be treated by taking extra vitaamins or something of that nature. It seems that this kind of stuff usually ends up that way. Good luck on your tests.

    • No! These voices are with me all the time! Even when it comes to choosing lunch – ‘Umm…cheese and onion or salt and vinegar?’ ‘Who cares? Just choose a packet!’ 🙂

      I’m sure everything’ll be fine – once I get that neurotic voice under control!

      Thanks, Alicia!

  6. My head’s a bit like this too! 😀

  7. Nigel Penisworthy

    If you do die, don’t think you’re offloading the little shit on me! I’ll take the dog and the TV though… On a more serious note, you best not have given me aids, otherwise shit will hit the fan. Also, can you send me up some beer money please? Thank you!

    • Oh, son! How lovely to hear the concern in your voice 🙂 I take it ‘the little shit’ is your adorable brother? NO MORE BEER MONEY! And stop visiting strip clubs, as well! Love you! 🙂

      • Mr Tiny (Ex and Father of Nigel Penisworthy)

        Firstly, I still have the receipt for the TV so back off Nigel, stand down. Second I have no receipt for the mad dog, that’s scared of his own bark, or the “little shit” that eats continuously and plays X-Box from the rising of the sun to the rising of the moon so you’re stuck with the short straw Nigel, with no beer money!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ad infinitum.

      • Oh excellent! Hello Ex! I don’t know why either of you keep harping on about the TV – it’s on its way out anyway! But there’s loads of life left in the dog with Special Needs and the son who has learned to multi-task; oh, yes, he now eats while
        playing X Box! How’s that for progress?
        In fact, we just need Youngest signed up and we can air all our family disputes in public! Yay! That’ll bring in the readers. 🙂

  8. *howling* Well now its nice to see the concern with the son and the ex! Go boys!! I think that made me laugh almost as hard as the post.

    I too have the voices in my head. They usually suggest that I stab other people in their sleep. I have not acted on those yet. Been close with the Mr. but held off.

    I’m sure that you are going to be fine. But its easy for me to say as I’m across the pond or puddle or however you folks put it. I will be thinking good thoughts for you. And it takes a lot for me to think good thoughts. I hope that gets noted on my score sheet.

    • Isn’t it great? Nobody’s in the least bit concerned I might die! 🙂

      Phew! Please keep Mr B alive! I haven’t had the sleep-stabbing voice yet. It may be coming, though…

      Thank-you for the good thoughts. I appreciate them. I’m sure it’ll be fine – in fact if I do have this Addison’s thingy and have to take hormones and stuff to feel normal again, then bring it on! Just waiting for my doctor to get his arse into gear and do something!!


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