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Ow! Ow! Owwwwww!

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So! Cervical biopsy appointment day!

I was hanging around outside, waiting to be called, and overheard some woman’s phone conversation. (Notice I said overheard. I was not, of course, shamelessly earwigging; I just happened to overhear a few personal comments this woman made to her friend…)

She’d rushed her daughter to A&E that morning, forgetting to take money. The poor cow hadn’t even had a coffee since breakfast, so I emptied out my purse and donated a fiver. I love doing A Good Deed For The Day; it gives me licence to be an absolute bitch ’till bedtime!

Angelic Halo

Image via Wikipedia

‘Yeah,’ said The Ex, cynically. ‘I bet she’s been pulling that stunt all weekend – there’s probably £500 stuffed down her knickers!’

Should I just shoot him now?

Anyway, I digress. As usual.
I was shown into a cubicle and asked to change into one of those backless, lardy-arse-revealing gowns. The nurse and Consultant blokey had disappeared into the next room so I sat myself down and waited. And waited.

By the time they’d reappeared, I’d got myself quite comfortable – laid back, legs up in stirrups, and doing a killer Sudoku puzzle.

‘Oh! Mrs Tiny!’ cried the nurse. ‘Those gowns are designed to open at the back!’

‘Yeah, I know, but this seat’s freezing! My arse had gone numb from the cold!’

‘Oh! Oh!’

‘What? I’m quite decent! I shaved my legs and trimmed my muff specially, you know! Which reminds me, I must call DynoRod tomorrow,  get the drains cleared…’

‘Okay,’ said the Consultant blokey, rifling through the paperwork. ‘We’ll do an ultrasound – Oh, you had one done a fortnight ago and it was normal… So, why are you here then?’

Good bleedin’ question!

‘Well, I’ve had irregular and heavy periods… My GP wanted a biopsy, just in case I had something … ummm… sinister going on downstairs…’

Hate (Sinister album)

Image via Wikipedia


 ‘Oh, okay. Are you currently taking any medication?’

‘Yes, 40mg of Fluoxetine and 15mg of Norethisterone a day to stop the bleeding, but it doesn’t work, of course. Oh no, if my body decides it fancies a little bleed, then it bleeds a little. Or a lot! What can I say? I’m just the conduit, the vessel, the poor mug who can never wear white jeans!’

‘And why are you taking Fluoxetine?’

‘For depression.’

‘And are you depressed?’

Well! That’s the million dollar question, is it not? I don’t think so, myself. Do you think I’m depressed? Do I sound like I’m depressed?’

‘No. That’s why I asked. Look, if we find you a cushion, is there any chance you could put that gown on the right way around?’

 A cushion? On the NHS? Bloody hell, was I dreaming?!

I soon woke up. Doc2 had warned me to take some paracetamol to “ease the discomfort”.

Discomfort, my arse! More like a wire brush, taped to an electric drill, hand-held by Satan. No warning! No anaesthetic! No magic cream! Just, Get in there and bore for diamonds!

Electric drill. Picture taken by Wojciech 'Kiv...

Image via Wikipedia

And I am never having that done again without brandy. And morphine. And an epi-fucking-dural!

I honestly saw stars. And angels swathed in white light. And cartoon birdies, tweeting.

‘You’ll bleed for a few days,’ said the Consultant blokey. Well, no change there, then.

‘Oh, and for the next few weeks, abstain from sex.’  No change there, either, then…


About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

14 responses »

  1. You are so funny…I don’t always comment, but I just love reading your posts!
    Pinkim! TrulySimplyPink

  2. They didn’t knock you out for that? That’s not right.
    It sucks being a woman sometimes. What we have to go through!
    I hope you’re feeling better! Love your sense of humor through all this though!

    • I know! Damned NHS! It was sooo painful – am still cramping 15 hours later!

      I’m doing a rant later – On Being a Woman!

      I do try to see the funny side of life, but this is just getting ridiculous!

  3. Grey Goose, Dirty

    LOL Tiny. Well not about the pain as that sounds horrifying, but about your great outlook on it all. I know everything will come back normal and then you can shove the test results down your special-ed doctor’s throat.

    When is your appointment with the specialist, my friend? And, if he turns out to be a hottie, go ahead and wear that gown backwards again. 🙂

    • I don’t think it’s anything to worry about, either – I’m sure it’ll get sorted out by the endo blokey. Just have to wait for an appointment now… You gotta love the NHS!

      Ooh! I hadn’t thought of that gown being a prop for a seduction scene! I’m so pinching one next time – I’ll post the photo 🙂

  4. It looks like you DID have sex, Ms Temper, albeit of a rather unpleasant sort. The least they could have done was give you a magazine full of beefcake men to get you in the mood.

    • I know it’s been a while, Mr B, but it wasn’t how I remembered sex. I mean, where was the chocolate sauce? And I did have have a Sudoku magazine to get the juices flowing 🙂

  5. Owwwwie! Bastards, they should have numbed you a bit. “boring for diamonds” I love that term. Did they find any?

    At least this part of the program for figuring you out is done. Try to relax and drink whatever you English folks drink. Brandy, Tea, shoot up heroin?

    • No, no diamonds. A few cobwebs, but no precious gems 🙂

      I still can’t believe they don’t offer local anaesthetic. Wowee! It hurt!

      I’m liking the heroin suggestion… 😉

  6. This is hilarious and cringe-inducing….I hope you have taken many many ibuprofens. Damn doctor has never had anyone do that to HIM so he probably thinks it doesn’t hurt.

    • I know! At least when they give you injections, they warn you, but this guy was just straight in, drilling!I nearly passed out! Bastard!

      Seriously, Anna, I hope you never have to have this done, but if you do, demand an epidural!

      Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment 🙂

  7. OMG, how can you take something that is such a pain in the arse (pun intended) and make it so funny!?!?! I think I would have gone home and whined to the hubby for about a month or two to take caaaaaaaaaaare of me, I am such a cry baby! Hope all truns out well for you! 🙂

    • That’s when I know I’m depressed, when I lose my sense of humour! Otherwise life’s just one great blog-post 🙂

      I did persuade Youngest son to bring cups of tea for an hour but he soon got fed up!

      Thanks, I’m sure it’ll be fine in the end. And thanks for signing up – welcome to the Dark Side 🙂


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