Oooohhh! *Tiny squeals* I must tell you about my latest encounter with a member of the opposite sex!
Last night, around midnight, I took the dog for his bedtime walk. And guess what, peeps? I was kerb-crawled! By an officer of the law, no less!
Now, whenever I see a policeman, two things simultaneously flash through my mind:
Oh, God! What have I done? What have I done? I feel so guilty! What have I done?
Corr! A bloke in a uniform! I wonder if he’d let me play with his truncheon…
It’s not my fault. I don’t get out much.
‘Hello! Just walking my dog! And look! I’ve got pooper-scooper bags – I never just let him dump in public, you know! Oh no, ‘cos that’s against the law! Has somebody complained? Is that why you’re here? Ohmygod! Are you gonna arrest me? Don’t arrest me! I’m a single mum! I’ve a child at home, asleep, and there’s nobody else to look after him!’
(You probably didn’t notice, but I put a slight emphasis on the fact I’m single…)
‘Oh well, at least you’ve got the dog for company.’
Yes. Thank-you for that.
‘Just walked up Fore Street, have you?’
‘No! Not me! I live in Pauper’s Alley! Why? Is there dog doop all over the road down there, then? It wasn’t me, honestly! Well, of course it wasn’t me! But it wasn’t my dog, either! Honestly!’
‘I’ve just had a call about a disturbance outside the pub. Were you in there, at all?’
I looked down at my fuchsia dressing gown and baby-pink I Love to Sleep pj’s, and shook my head. ‘Nope! Even I don’t go for a pint, dressed in pyjamas.’
‘So, you didn’t hear raised voices? See anyone fighting?’
‘No. So you don’t wanna arrest me, then? Are you sure? My son’s fifteen. I’m sure he’d be okay on his own for a while…’
‘Well, I suppose I could take you in for public indecency. That dressing gown’s a shocking colour…’
‘Oooh! Yes, please! Would I get to wear handcuffs?’
Just then another call came through on the radio. Something about an argument at the other end of the village. Can you believe my luck?
He was chuckling as he drove off, and I was standing there, wailing ‘Come back! I’m the public! You’re supposed to serve me!’