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Oooohhh! *Tiny squeals* I must tell you about my latest encounter with a member of the opposite sex!
Last night, around midnight, I took the dog for his bedtime walk. And guess what, peeps? I was kerb-crawled! By an officer of the law, no less!
Now, whenever I see a policeman, two things simultaneously flash through my mind:
Oh, God! What have I done? What have I done? I feel so guilty! What have I done?
and,
Corr! A bloke in a uniform! I wonder if he’d let me play with his truncheon…
It’s not my fault. I don’t get out much.
‘Evening, love.’
‘Hello! Just walking my dog! And look! I’ve got pooper-scooper bags – I never just let him dump in public, you know! Oh no, ‘cos that’s against the law! Has somebody complained? Is that why you’re here? Ohmygod! Are you gonna arrest me? Don’t arrest me! I’m a single mum! I’ve a child at home, asleep, and there’s nobody else to look after him!’
(You probably didn’t notice, but I put a slight emphasis on the fact I’m single…)
‘Oh well, at least you’ve got the dog for company.’
Yes. Thank-you for that.
‘Just walked up Fore Street, have you?’
‘No! Not me! I live in Pauper’s Alley! Why? Is there dog doop all over the road down there, then? It wasn’t me, honestly! Well, of course it wasn’t me! But it wasn’t my dog, either! Honestly!’
‘I’ve just had a call about a disturbance outside the pub. Were you in there, at all?’
I looked down at my fuchsia dressing gown and baby-pink I Love to Sleep pj’s, and shook my head. ‘Nope! Even I don’t go for a pint, dressed in pyjamas.’
‘So, you didn’t hear raised voices? See anyone fighting?’
‘No. So you don’t wanna arrest me, then? Are you sure? My son’s fifteen. I’m sure he’d be okay on his own for a while…’
‘Well, I suppose I could take you in for public indecency. That dressing gown’s a shocking colour…’
‘Oooh! Yes, please! Would I get to wear handcuffs?’
Just then another call came through on the radio. Something about an argument at the other end of the village. Can you believe my luck?
He was chuckling as he drove off, and I was standing there, wailing ‘Come back! I’m the public! You’re supposed to serve me!’
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Prince Charming, my arse! 
O-M-G I have to visit you when I come! We’ll have a blast! See? This is why I love you people so much! It’s refreshing to talk to the constables without getting a third degree. They actually have senses of humor! How fucking refreshing! You can’t talk like that to the cops around here. They’re so stern and stoic. But you know, you made their night! They’re STILL probably talking about you! But not in a bad way. They probably liked your attitude! And your apparel.
But this is just what we were saying about sexual harrassment! Blokes don’t (on the whole) go running to their supervisors about our disgraceful behaviour, they just play along and have a laugh! Sometimes it’s great being female!
And, aww, thanks! I love you, too! 🙂
hahah what a funny story!
As per how I quit smoking, I only tried the one time, (and was successful) because i waited until I was sure I wanted to quit. And then I’m so stubborn that I refused to let myself smoke again.
Wow! You’re my hero! *Swoon* I must have given up about thirty times over the years. No willpower, that’s my problem – well, one of’em 😉
Ohhh you made my morning!! So glad I have signed up to have you in my email each morning, its better than a bowl of Wheaties!!! 🙂 Maybe your officer will come back to arrest you later this week, keep walking the dog. 😉
Crikey! I’ve never been compared (favourably) with a bowl of cereal before! Things are on the up! 🙂
Poor dog, he’s never been walked to much in his life! 🙂
LMAO Tiny! That’s so friggin’ funny! Uh, and what the hell are you doing sauntering around the neighborhood at midnight wearing jammies?
You really should have run over and kicked him (only to give him a reason to cuff you – and hopefully pat you down) 😉
I live in a village where pretty much everyone goes to bed at 10am. I could walk down the street naked most nights and not see a soul! Now, there’s a thought…
Ooh! I didn’t think of the kicking and patting down part. I’ll make sure to go out in boots next time and not my Eeyore slippers 🙂
You are too funny!
Hurrah! At last! I’ve found a talent! 🙂
People think that officers are devoid of any humour, and can’t communicate with a member of the public unless they are being cross examined…or being issued a ticket ! Tiny, in the officers defence he is probably used to seeing people adorning “Bedroom Wear” at all hours of the day.
Personally I would have considered section 3 of the “Fashion Crimes” act 🙂
He can come back and see my bedroom wear any time he likes! 🙂
He was great; I love blokes who just play along with me. I’m still searching for one to keep though!
“‘No. So you don’t wanna arrest me, then? Are you sure? My son’s fifteen. I’m sure he’d be okay on his own for a while…’”
This made me spit my coffee out.
Perhaps you should go to the pub and start a fight. Then you could see your cop again. *lol*
Ooh! That’s a good one! P’raps I could start on The Ex. He’d never actually press charges ‘cos it’d mean him looking after Youngest while I was on bail! 🙂