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diagnose-me.com

Well, it’s time for a medical update. If you’re already bored with my health, please feel free to move onto something more interesting. I shall, however, try to make this fun.

Ho! Ho! Ho! See? Fun, fun, fun…

So. I’ve had the latest set of test results. There’s good news, bad news and very bad news. The good news is: I DON’T have uterine cancer. Yippee! All that bollocksing biopsy wire-brush-whizzed-around-my-doodah pain was for NOTHING! I’m not bitter, really. Oh, no, I’m definitely not incredibly pissed-off that I had to go through all that naked Sudoku puzzling and walking like a cowboy for a week with NO anaesthetic and NO bastarding pain relief for absolutely NO SODDING REASON!

scream and shout

Image by mdanys via Flickr

The bad news: the last set of bloods show I’m low on iron and my ‘rheumatoid factor’ is now borderline positive. Whatever the hell that means! I refuse to Google it; I’m neurotic enough already.

The very bad news: I’m pretty sure I’m being stalked by a toothless road-worker. Let’s just say, somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
Last week  I asked him to move his van from outside my house so I could get my car out. Fine. No problem. But now, whenever I show my face, he’s there, grinning like a gappy-toothed grinning thing. If I put out the dustbin, he’s there! If I walk the dog, he’s there! If I open my bedroom curtains, he’s there! Not there in my room, there in the road – a blur of flourescent yellow construction worker’s jacket, waving and doing that grinning thing. I wore a disguise today and slipped straight past him…

Halloween costume of Towelie, South Park character

Image via Wikipedia

But I digress. Again.

While I await my specialist endo-whatsit appointment – still six weeks away – I thought we’d play a game. It’s called diagnose-me.com. I’ll list my symptoms, you guess my problem*, and let’s face it, you can’t possibly do any worse than the GP’s I’ve already seen…

*mental health issues aside…

Ready to play doctors and nurses?

Nurse and Doctor Guinea, 18 Jul 10

Image by Castaway in Scotland via Flickr

  Okay, let’s go!  I have:

  • low blood-pressure
  • low sodium levels
  • low sugar levels
  • low iron levels
  • high potassium levels
  • a borderline positive Rheumatoid Factor (whatever the hell that is!)
  • chronic exhaustion – I can (and often do) sleep for 16 hours a day and still feel knackered!
  • irregular, heavy periods
  • muscle weakness
  • shakiness when tired/hungry
  • light-headed (That said light, not empty-headed!), faintness
  • Muscle cramps, especially in back and stomach.

Apparently my thyroid’s fine and I’m not menopausal. Diagnose-me.com! Go on! Hazard a guess, I dare you!  🙂

NB: If you’ve no idea what I’m talking about, a) join the club, and b) read the back story – Wanna Play Docs and Nurses and Ow! Ow! Owwwwwwww!

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About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

14 responses »

  1. I’m going to go with pregnant for 20 dollars. Do I win?

    Seriously, I’m sorry you had the whole bottle brush thing. Yet, think of how shiny and clean you are now for when you do get lucky again. Did that help put positive spin on it? The not knowing sucks.

    Great outfit, *teasing* I’m sure nobody notice.

    The peeking guy, is he the same one we all thought you should give you his number? The one your fans were annoyed you didn’t even get a name?

    Reply
    • Wetting myself with laughter!! Only if it’s an immaculate conception or I’m carrying something with a ten-year gestation period!! 😀

      No, it wasn’t the cute, flirty one 😦 Did you guys want me to get his name? You should have said… 😉 No, he hasn’t been back. Either that or he’s hiding from me!

      Reply
  2. Hmmmm I’m gonna go with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome…..good luck! I hope you get answers soon.

    Reply
  3. Grey Goose, Dirty

    Er, I don’t know shit. Oh goody! I can be an MD now! 🙂 Take an iron supplement? Doesn’t low Iron make you tired? That will be $50 and no need to thank me for my stellar help.

    I think the toothless idiot is your punishment for having a perfectly cute and flirty construction guy right in front of your face last week and totally dropping the ball on getting his name/kissing him/grabbing his ass/inviting him out for a beer ……. I certainly hope you’ve learned your lesson.

    Reply
    • Low iron does make you tired, but I’ve had the exhaustion thing for about seven months and am only just now low on iron.
      The cheque’s in the post 🙂

      I have learned my lesson, oh wise one! Damn shame tha one disappeared on me! Just wish the toothless one would go the same way! 🙂

      Reply
  4. I’m no a doctor so I have NO idea. And from all these blood tests, they don’t know? WTF?

    Hopefully they’ll have a diagnosis in your lifetime!

    Reply
    • WTF indeed! So frustrating, especially when they keep saying ‘It’s depression’. Am pretty damned sure depression doesn’t cause low sodium and high potassium levels! Think I’m gonna have to collapse before they’ll properly investigate !

      Reply
  5. ~~Tiny,
    Love this sentence: “Let’s just say, somewhere a village is missing its idiot.”
    A Classic.
    Let us know what is going on as soon as you hear. Thinking of you.
    xxxx Keep Well.

    Reply
  6. When’s the last time you ate??? The rheumatoid thing is arthritis – not a great form of it, either (sorry), but with it being “borderline”, I think they’re just guessing and wanting to sound medical. But, really, do you take vitamins?! The low sodium/low B.P, empty… i mean lightheadedness all go together – have a bag of chips (what the Hell do you call them there, “crisps” or something else fancy-sounding?) I don’t know much about the potassium. My husband said it has something to do with the heart sometimes… I don’t know… stay away from bananas and potato skins.

    Really, it does sound like Chronic Fatigue or even that all-famous Fibromaligia thing (that’s the name they give to everything they can’t diagnose.)

    As for your new boyfriend, I’d think that disguise might be right up his alley! How about you invite a pretty friend who you don’t really like over to visit and make sure you tell her to be really nice to toothless weirdo because he’s insane. She’ll smile and say something nice to him and he’ll be HER stalker! Hey, what about that popular chick from high school who you just couldn’t stand but were nice to anyway? Might work…

    Reply
    • Yeah, the rheumatoid thing is confusing ‘cos I don’t have any joint pain or inflammation. Lol! I eat bagfuls of crisps and salted nuts – guess my body knows what it needs! I just find it so frustrating – all these abnormal signs and my GP’s do nothing except say it’s depression – arrrggghhhhh!

      New boyfriend?? Yeah, thanks for that!! 😀 Invite a friend over? That’s a great idea…I just need to find a friend now!

      Reply
  7. Well, not sure if this will help or make you MORE confused but my Mr. suffers horrid side effects from high potassium. When it gets too high he gets light headed, nausea, weak, shaky and tired. So far though it hasn’t caused him any irregular periods. 😉 On the up side, I checked google and you don’t appear to have Syphilis, Leprosy, Hepatitis or Mono. I sure hope they figure it out quick for you!!!

    Reply
    • Ahh, now that’s interesting… that would fit my symptoms – what can you do to lower the levels though? Nothing, I guess. What do docs say to Mr Coupon Queen about it?

      Phew! Thank God about the Syphilis and Leprosy! I must admit I was worried… 😉 Thanks, hon!

      Reply

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