Well, it’s time for a medical update. If you’re already bored with my health, please feel free to move onto something more interesting. I shall, however, try to make this fun.
Ho! Ho! Ho! See? Fun, fun, fun…
So. I’ve had the latest set of test results. There’s good news, bad news and very bad news. The good news is: I DON’T have uterine cancer. Yippee! All that bollocksing biopsy wire-brush-whizzed-around-my-doodah pain was for NOTHING! I’m not bitter, really. Oh, no, I’m definitely not incredibly pissed-off that I had to go through all that naked Sudoku puzzling and walking like a cowboy for a week with NO anaesthetic and NO bastarding pain relief for absolutely NO SODDING REASON!
The bad news: the last set of bloods show I’m low on iron and my ‘rheumatoid factor’ is now borderline positive. Whatever the hell that means! I refuse to Google it; I’m neurotic enough already.
The very bad news: I’m pretty sure I’m being stalked by a toothless road-worker. Let’s just say, somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
Last week I asked him to move his van from outside my house so I could get my car out. Fine. No problem. But now, whenever I show my face, he’s there, grinning like a gappy-toothed grinning thing. If I put out the dustbin, he’s there! If I walk the dog, he’s there! If I open my bedroom curtains, he’s there! Not there in my room, there in the road – a blur of flourescent yellow construction worker’s jacket, waving and doing that grinning thing. I wore a disguise today and slipped straight past him…
But I digress. Again.
While I await my specialist endo-whatsit appointment – still six weeks away – I thought we’d play a game. It’s called diagnose-me.com. I’ll list my symptoms, you guess my problem*, and let’s face it, you can’t possibly do any worse than the GP’s I’ve already seen…
*mental health issues aside…
Ready to play doctors and nurses?
Okay, let’s go! I have:
- low blood-pressure
- low sodium levels
- low sugar levels
- low iron levels
- high potassium levels
- a borderline positive Rheumatoid Factor (whatever the hell that is!)
- chronic exhaustion – I can (and often do) sleep for 16 hours a day and still feel knackered!
- irregular, heavy periods
- muscle weakness
- shakiness when tired/hungry
- light-headed (That said light, not empty-headed!), faintness
- Muscle cramps, especially in back and stomach.
Apparently my thyroid’s fine and I’m not menopausal. Diagnose-me.com! Go on! Hazard a guess, I dare you! 🙂