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It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry if I Want to…

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Yay! Go, me! It’s my birthday!

Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to Me!
I’m only Forty-Something, but I Look Ninety-three!  


Happy Birthday to Me!

Image by jo-h via Flickr


I stumbled down the stairs this morning and found what can only be described as a catastrophic explosive mess. The kitchen looked as if we’d been ransacked and burgled. It really should have been cordoned off with crime-scene tape – every work-surface was cluttered, every kitchen utensil I own was filthy and there were strange vomit-like lumps and splatters over the floor, up the walls and dripping down the cooker. And the washing machine. And the – You get the picture, right?

Hmm…had the burglar been sampling my cooking? Would I find him in a corner somewhere, cowering, covered in sick and clutching a plastic jug our family’s antique, solid-silver gravy dish?

And then I found the letter.

Dear Mum,

I attempted to make you a birthday cake last night. I fucked it up, but it’s the thought that counts, eh? 🙂 I used the cake tin to cook it in, but probably should have used common sense and realised it had gaps in the bottom,* so the cake mixture leaked over the bottom of the oven and nearly caught fire! Lol! That’s why there’s burnt Victoria Sponge in the bin, on the floor and pretty much all over the kitchen.
I’ve done a preliminary tidy-up
(You did? Ye Gods! What did it look like before??!) but I’ll sort the rest out in the morning. It’s probably a good idea NOT to use the oven ’til it’s been cleaned, either.  🙂
I’ve gone to Canada for a few weeks to stop you killing me. Give me a ring when you’ve calmed down.
Oh, and Happy Birthday!
I’m sorry!!
Love you loads!!  Nigel! XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 * Loose-bottomed tin that needs lining! 

What can I say? I taught the boy everything he knows. I’m so proud! 🙂

Am linking up with Cole at All the Small Stuff just for the lol factor: everyone has else has added delicious recipes! 🙂


About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

30 responses »

  1. Yes, it’s the thought that counts…

    Maybe a pressure washer will help clear the mess off the walls?

  2. Happy Birthday. Good for him for trying. Let us know when he comes back from Canada. A bonus, you won’t have to use the oven until he cleans it. Take out for you!!

  3. Oh yes…the thought. And just how much thought was involved is what I’m usually asking. LOL

    A for effort! Happy Birthday!

  4. In other words he used a spring form pan. Oy!

    I feel your pain! Nice thing to wake up to on your birthday, eh?

    I just love the lingo you Brits have! “covered in sick”. here we would have said “covered in vomit”. “Sick” is the act, the verb, not the noun. Love it!

    • I was just so confused – I really thought someone had been sick – couldn’t work it out at all. Until I saw the letter!

      Yeah, we use sick either as a verb or a noun. Well, I do… Maybe I’m the only one! 🙂

  5. Oh, and

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!! I know, it’s not like it used to be when you were in your 20’s. Sucks getting old, doesn’t it? Aren’t I a wealth of joy and sunshine today?

  6. And that really is a sweet gesture on Nigel’s part! At least he tried. And is apologetic about it. Mine would have just left it and said oh well.

    If I lived by you I’d come over and help ya clean it. I’m good at cleaning kitchens.

    • He did try, bless him! I appreciated the gesture and the letter made me laugh like a drain!

      The cleaning up wasn’t too bad, I just threw everything into the dishwasher – two loads! Most of the gunk ended up on my socks, so the floor’s now pretty clean!! 😀

  7. Ohh ya, its the thought that counts, and you will be thinking about him all week. lol Hope you have a beautiful birthday week, aside from the kitchen issue. 🙂

    • Aww, thanks! It’s been lovely – a really veggie day reading and stuffing chocolates! And I saw some friends this afternoon. And that letter really made me laugh! 🙂

  8. Happy birthday, Tiny!!!!
    Hope you have a fantastic day and, yeah, it is the thought that counts but cleaning will be so much better!

  9. Grey Goose, Dirty

    Happy Birthday Tiny! Here’s wishing you a year filled with hottie construction workers who are randy, cute and best of all ……. mute! xoxoxoxo

    Too funny about your son and the cake. (funny because I didn’t have to clean it up) 😉

    • Yay! Thanks! Just one mute cutie would be cool!

      It was funny. I couldn’t be cross once I’d realised that the great blobs were cake mixture and nothing more sinister! 🙂 X

  10. oh, my, that is funny 🙂

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. Happy Belated Birthday! What a sweety to at least try to make a cake for you – and to be sneaky about it and do it in the middle of the night like that! Sorry about the oven, though – you’ll be smelling your birthday cake the next 30 times you turn it on!

    Here’s hoping you have a year of hot deliverymen, policemen, and construction workers (smiling & without shirts, of course!)

    • Yay! Fingers crossed! Thanks! We attacked the oven last night – it was horrendous! 🙂 Have yet to turn it on though so you’re probably right about the smell! It was funny – couldn’t help but laugh!

      Hope you’re feeling better now 🙂

  12. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! (sorry I am late). Yes, it is the thought that counts, however, I would flee the country just in case too….

  13. Hahaha! I would also run away if I left my mom’s kitchen in such a mess!
    And happy birthday 🙂

  14. Let me just say that I love the title of your blog. Yes, yes, I do.

    And, also, your son probably bakes just as well as my mom and I do. 🙂

    • Thank-you! The blog was supposed to follow my internet dating escapades. It was fine for about three months and by then, I just couldn’t face spending another evening with another nerdy bloke! 😀

      As for the baking, I taught him everything he knows!!

      Thanks for coming by!

  15. Oh my that is hilarious!
    And I’m sure a headache to clean up.
    But hey at least you got a great story out it!
    Happy Birthday (really late)!

    • Thanks, and yes, it was funny once I read the letter! I’m not at my best first thing in the morning and I just couldn’t work out what had happened! Anything like that happens and I just think, ‘Yeah, that’ll make a great blog post!!’


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