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Am I Hosting a Porn Site Here, or What?

I’ve had some pretty disturbing search engine terms appear on the blog recently – so strange, in fact, I’m wondering if people are  confusing me with somethingverykinky.com. And if  they’d only leave their e-mail addresses, I’d be glad to answer their questions or offer some sensible advice:

How do you draw a penis with a keyboard? ~ An excellent question! Keyboards aren’t terribly well-known for their artistic qualities: I’d suggest using a pencil.
Groping mummy ~ Get some therapy, you pervert!
Too much soy milk hurts my arse~ Stop sitting on the cartons then, duh!
I’m going to have a heart attack.Oh my God! Oh my God! ~
Disconnect Google, love and phone a bloody ambulance!
How to have a flying human cock ~ that’s easy! Chop it off and lob that pesky little sucker out the nearest window.
What does Heroin look and smell like? ~ How the friggin’ Henry would I know? Do I look like DrugsRUs?
How do I reply to, Can I have your number? on the internet?~ Now this one’s a toughie…umm… how about Yes  No?
 Where to buy penis stockings? ~ See Bernie. She crochets a beautiful line in willy-warmers.
Tights for my penis ~ Jeeze! I just told you – see Bernie!
A picture of a pair of mens’ legs sticking out of a cow’s bottom
~ WTF?! Get out of here, and don’t come back!
Where can I buy Star War’s condoms? ~ Well, that depends – were you looking for a specific type, like The Dark Invader? Or the Chewbacca range for large and hairy ones? Or the ribbed Star War’s rubbers with a special head shaped like R2D2? Maybe you’re a single male suffering from Obsessive-Complulsive Disorder? If so, you’ll be wanting the Han(d)s Solo. Or, if you have a really tiny winky and your partner often complains that she doesn’t know when you’ve started, try our brand-new Yoda condoms. Fitted with a specially formulated heat device, once installed, your prophylactic will cheerfully announce, ‘Inside you, I am’.
   
 

The final computer-generated Yoda as seen in t...

Image via Wikipedia

 

And I thought I was weird!
Maybe I start a new blog-hop called Strange Search Engine Terms Sunday. What do you think?
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About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

18 responses »

  1. The FUNNIEST thing I have read in a LONG time! Thanks for the giggles and snorts, just what I needed today!

    Reply
  2. Grey Goose, Dirty

    wow, who knew you had such an interesting following 😉

    last week i got ‘fucking granny’ …… uh, ick

    thanks as always for making me laugh! 🙂

    Reply
    • Oh, yeuk! Some people! That’s even worse than ‘groping mummy’! Look like we’ve got most of the world’s pervs following us – oh goody!

      You’re welcome 🙂

      Reply
  3. Oh, yes!! Please start a blog hop like that I would so join in. I have quite a few I could toss in. I love those terms.
    Thanks for pimping about my cozy making abilities. I’m touched.

    Reply
    • Lol, you’re welcome – took me ages trawling through all your pages, trying to find that link! 🙂 Not that it wasn’t pleasurable, of course… 😉

      I do wonder about some people, really. And, like Irene, if I put their phrase into Google, my blog’s nowhere to be seen – so how do they get here?! 🙂

      Reply
  4. Emailing Bernie right now! My hubby often complains about how cold his, um… nether regions get in the winter. At least I *think* that’s what he means when he talks about his blue balls. Right?! 😉

    Reply
  5. Tiny,
    I needed a giggle 🙂 Thanks.
    I didn’t know Bernie knitted Penis Tights.
    Groovy. xxx

    Reply
  6. Ya, ya. Thats me. I’m behind the penis outfits. *lol* Who knew I had such hidden talents? Alicia, got your email. He will love the hot pink with the bunny ears. *teasing*
    I think this is the link you wanted to link up to:
    http://onemixedbag.com/?p=377

    Reply
  7. lol
    Top shelf!
    Love it!

    Reply
  8. WOW! I should be so lucky, the best search term I have is “february calendar image” I can at least hope they were looking for the Hunky police officer or fireman pictured calandar right? Geez I feel so left out. 😉 lol What a great post, sure glad I didn’t have any hot liquid while reading this evening.

    Reply
    • Fireman calender – mmmmm! Sorry, what were we talking about? 🙂

      Be thankful you don’t attract the pervs! And now I’ll get even more ‘cos I mentioned ‘porn site’ in the title – doh!

      Glad you enjoyed!

      Reply
  9. WOW those are some interesting search terms (and some even more interesting answers!). Thanks for the entertaining read!

    Reply

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