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Category Archives: The do’s and don’ts

How to improve your sex life…

Construction Worker

Image by Fouquier via Flickr

 

  • Find yourself a partner!  😉
                     
  • 

 

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Things guys really don’t want to hear during sex…

Egyptian sex

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  1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that!
  2. God, your ceiling really needs re-painting…
  3. So, when are we getting married?
  4. Let me go get my tweezers.
  5. I hope we make a baby.
  6. Did I remember to take my pill?
  7. God! Can’t you just breathe through your nose?
  8. Have we started yet?
  9. Ssh! You’ll wake my mother!
  10. On second thoughts, I do want the lights off…
  11. No, no, you carry on. I can still see Eastenders over your shoulder.
  12. But it still works, right?
  13. God, that stinks!
  14. What was your name again?
  15. Sorry! I meant to say Tom!
  16. See! I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
  17. No! It’s a one-way street. Exit only!
  18. I don’t care how much KY jelly you’ve got, the answer’s still no!
  19. Jeez! There’s no way that’s gonna fit!
  20. It’s no good. It just won’t wake up…
  21. It’s okay. The scabs have dried up. I’m not infectious anymore…
  22. No way! I’ll choke!
  23. Hahahahahahahaha!
  24. Do they even make condoms that small?
  25. No, really. I can do this part better myself…   😉

Things girls really don’t want to hear during sex…

Dimples of Venus on a woman in a bathing suit ...

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  1. Is that cellulite?
  2. Mr Winkey wants to play with Mrs Fou-Fou…
  3. Oh God! I’m stuck!
  4. Geddoffmee… I…Can’t…breathe…
  5. Do you take Visa?
  6. By the way, I haven’t really had a vasectomy…
  7. Hurry up!
  8. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
  9. Can I call you Mummy?
  10. Oh God, my back’s gone…
  11. This has never happened to me before…
  12. So how long, d’you think, before you’re there?
  13. Your mum is such a MILF!
  14. Jeez! Who opened the tuna?
  15. Ow! You’re not supposed to use your teeth!
  16. Wow! Look at your arse wobble!
  17. And to think, it was your mate I really fancied…
  18. I’m just trying to finish this game on Call of Duty…
  19. That was okay, but your sister was better.
  20. Uh-oh…The condom’s split…
  21. Those Wonderbras are amazing. I really thought you had tits…
  22. Did I take my Penicillin?
  23. Gosh, it’s so roomy in there…

How not to behave on a date…

Thorim costume

Image via Wikipedia

It’s that season. Everyone’s looking for a jolly good rogering love, so I thought I’d devote a couple of posts to great date etiquette. We’ve just had Things You Really Shouldn’t Say On A Date, and today, for your titillation, here is How Not To Behave On A Date…

Don’t:

  • forget to shower
  • forget to wear clothes
  • turn up in fancy dress
  • arrive late
  • arrive on a camel
  • arrive with someone else
  • forget to arrive at all
  • get yourself arrested
  • do a strip at the dinner table
  • ask to meet his parents
  • use baby talk
  • cut up his food
  • wind him
  • ask if he needs a wee wee
  • talk to your food
  • pretend your food talks back

Only follow these simple guidelines if you’re serious about dating. If you’re only going out because there’s naff all on TV, then have some real fun and DO all of the above. Not sure where you’d find the camel though….        😉

 

10 things guys should never say on a first date…

healthy penis

Image by sninky-chan via Flickr

  • My penis is called Mr Winkey ~ Do I need to elaborate? No, I thought not.
  • Do you like it doggy style?  Maybe, but you’ve just lost the chance of ever finding out. Introducing anything sexual on a first date is like signing your own death warrant. A girl wants to be wooed, not rude.
  • I live with my mum ~ and I’ve never had to take responsibility for any of my actions, or do my own washing. You won’t ever make a steak and kidney pie to match my mum’s, but I’ll expect you to spend your life trying. And laundering my Y-fronts.
  • Hi, my name’s Stuart and I’ve written a book ~ if a bloke ever says this to you on a date, take my advice and run! Don’t look back, just run. Run like your arse is on fire.
  • Can I kiss you? What a wussy-wufty thing to say! But it tells me everything I need to know: this guy is an insecure schoolboy incapable of taking the lead. He needs to man up and grow a pair.  Instead of asking permission, he should just bloody well do it!
  • You look much younger in your photo ~ crikey, and that’s before he’s seen you naked. Imagine how cherished he’ll make you feel when he’s got your flabby thighs wrapped around his neck.
  • God! Did you not ask anyone how big your bum looked when you put those jeans on? See above.
  • I’m on antidepressants, and/or I cry a lot ~ just put the poor bastard out of his misery right there and then, and stab him with a steak knife. Seriously, if he coughs up this much intimate info on a first date, he’s way too happy in his own wretchedness, and clearly not yet ready to let go. If you haven’t got the stomach for murder, walk away. Now. Before you’re begging him for Prozac.
  • Are those for real? Nobody’s ever made this comment to me as it’s pretty damned obvious I’ve never had a boob job; who in their right mind would pay  for a couple of fried eggs (penny-sweet-sized) boobies? But rather more endowed friends have assured me this is a common question. Ye Gods!
  • I’m still a virgin only acceptable if your date is aged sixteen. If he’s reached forty and claims never to have done the dirty, then don’t be fooled; he’s either lying or he has no pecker. And God help us all if he really is a middle-aged innocent. I mean, who wants to re-live that particular cherry-popping moment – ‘No, love, technically you’re still a virgin. It doesn’t count if you come in your pants.’

10 things women should never say on a first date…

The film's famous sequence where Jack sticks h...

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  • All men are bastards ~ yeah yeah, I know this is your personal religion, the mantra that keeps you going through all those no-hopers, but let me break it to you gently – the person opposite, your date for the evening, is in fact a bloke. He’ll take it personally, honest. And he might not even be a git; there has to be one good ‘un for every ninety-nine wankers you date. Doesn’t there?
  • I want a baby ~ utter this shocking sentiment and it’ll be like learning to read all over again: See Tom Run Home to Mummy. However much your biological clock is chiming, however much you admire this guy’s jeans genes, however horny you are, DON’T ever mention the ‘baby’ word on a first date. Even if you are only talking carrots on the menu.
  • Sorry, what was your name again? I know there’s been a few – Tom and Andy and Mitch and a couple of Davids, three Dicks and a William, but do try to focus, love. How would you feel if he called you Amanda? (If your name wasn’t actually Amanda, I mean. ‘Cos if you were called Amanda, I’m sure you’d be thrilled that he got your name right and didn’t confuse you with Deirdre or Ethel.) If you’re really useless with names or you suffer from amnesia, then surreptitiously jot down his moniker on a Post-It and stick it to your wine glass. Problem sorted.
  • Shall I tell you about the book I’ve written? No, no, no, no, no! Unless you’re Stephen King, just NO! Nobody wants to hear a word-for-word account of the novel you’ve written, especially if your bland e-mails show you can’t actually string two interesting sentences together, and you have all the personality and charm of a dead flea! (It’s okay. Any second now I’ll stop hyperventilating. Breathe in! one, two, three. Out! one, two, three…)
  • What’s your star sign? Now I know you’re thinking compatibility and how long before you’re forced to shell out for a birthday pressie, but he’s thinking ‘weirdo’. Men hate anything that smells remotely New Age (except for his festering socks, of course…) It may seem like a perfectly innocent, innocuous question to you, but to him, it’s witchcraft. Unless he’s wearing a hand-knitted rainbow-coloured jumper that smells of patchouli oil, then he’s an honourary girlie, so ask away!      😉    
Hippie dude

Hey, dude! I'm a Virgo...

  • I love you! See Tom Run. Again. Yes, you may like or lust after your date, but never mention the other ‘L’ word, even in jest. Or as reference to the food or the ambience of the restaurant. In fact, to be on the safe side, avoid all words beginning with ‘L’. Unless your date’s name’s Leo. Or Lionel. Or Luigi.
  • Just a glass of water and a breadstick for me. I’m on a diet ~ despite everything the media tells you, your date wants a woman not a bloody stick-insect. Ever heard that well-known, deeply philosophical phrase – ‘More cushion for the pushin”? Honestly, be normal. If you show a healthy appetite for grub, you’re showing  you’ve got an insatiable appetite for er…other things…
  • So, how big’s your doodah?  Have I taught you nothing? Don’t go there! Before you know it, you’ll have seventy-five pictures of his pecker in your inbox. He’ll have drawn a smiley face on one, added a beret to another and gone Brazilian for the third. If you’re desperate to know, ‘accidentally’ drop a beermat and take a discreet peek at his goods under the table. I said, discreet! That means no poking!
  • I see dead people ~ you may well be attuned to the inner vibes of the late Princess Diana and Michael Jackson, but for the love of Mars bars and other things holy, don’t let on! Seriously, you’ll freak him out! He’s a bloke. His idea  of spirituality probably means getting laid in a churchyard during full moon. Have a quiet word with his dead granny instead. Tell her she’s looking great for her age, and with any luck she’ll haunt him into asking you out for a second date.    😉
  • Technically I’m still a man… On second thoughts, say it anyway just to see the look on his face!   🙂

No crudity, please; we’re British…

Doggy Style

Image by Travis S. via Flickr

And the don’ts:

Don’t start with the sex-talk. Do you like it doggy-style? as an appropriate  conversation opener? I think not. Women already believe most men are purely after sex, why add logs to the fire? And I seriously never, ever  wanna see another photo of  Thunder the Wonder Horse. Even if it is smothered in whipped cream and drizzled with chocolate. Leave it for the bedroom. If you get that far.

Don’t believe everything you’re told. Men and women commonly shave a few numbers off their age and add it to their height to make themselves appear more attractive. Others lie about their job. Hell, some people even forget they’re married. Take it all with a healthy dose of skepticism until you find out for sure.

Don’t post photos of you with your ex. Yes, I know you don’t want to come across as a desperate, lonely sod, but again, it smacks of ‘I’m just sooo not over her/him/it’. Ditto with pictures of your children.  You just can’t assess someone as a possible date when they’re playing mum or dad. Two different roles. And it feels wrong to even be looking. More to the point, who on earth thinks it’s okay to plaster photos of their kids all over the internet?

Don’t blast someone you like with loads of messages in one day. It smacks of desperation. People do have lives. Most of us aren’t sitting by the computer, waiting for a member of the opposite sex to throw us a scrap of attention. Be patient, and don’t get abusive. Give them twenty-four hours and move on.

Don’t tell someone your life-story in one e-mail. It’s boring, and personal stuff is far better explained face-to-face.  Ask questions of the other person, keep the dialogue moving. Stick to light-hearted, flirty and brief. And no crudity, please; we’re British.

And whatever you do, don’t  get hung up on one person. Even if he is gorgeous and you’d secretly named all your future children and picked out and decorated a nice little cottage for you all by the sea. If only he’d dump that trollop of a woman and come back to me…Mmm…Meringue Man  😉

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