Whoever writes the instructions on those home-hair-dye packets is a knob.
‘Leave dye for 15 mins for a subtle shade, 25 mins for a darker tone or for high-grey coverage.’
Yeah, right. What it should say is: ‘Leave hair dye for 25 minutes if you really want all your grey bits to go flourescent red. Or orange. Or, with shades 13 and 37, a vivid shade of plum. The rest of your hair will, of course, dye to a bog-standard mouse-brown colour, but we find it highly amusing to watch you all walk down the street with stupid- coloured highlights!’
On a sixteen-year-old adolescent it says, energetic, creative, exotic:
On a forty-odd-year-old woman, it just says feather- fucking- duster:
And there’s this other bit: ‘Rinse until the water runs clear.’ You could stand there ’til your arse turns blue, and the bloody water never runs clear! Two months’ later – when your roots have sprouted another inch of grey – the bastarding water still doesn’t run clear!
It should say: ‘Rinse until you lose the will to live.’
‘Rinse until the neighbours send in paramedics.’
‘Rinse until your nipples drop off.’
‘Rinse until you’ve used up all the water. In the street.’
‘Rinse until your roots have turned grey. Again!’
Who writes this garbage? I bet it’s a man…