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Give ME Strength…

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Okay, here’s the thing: the-bastarding-endocrinologist-I-saw-yesterday-was-a-feckin’-wanky-condescending-smarmy-head-stuck-up-his-own-arse-self-righteous-arrogant-egoistic-pompous-supercilious-git-with-an-I-Am-God-You-Are-Dog-Poo-stinking-bloody-attitude!

 There. I said it. Bastard.

‘So,’ he said, ‘I’ve read your notes and reviewed the blood test results, and I can’t see anything wrong with you.’


‘So why am I sleeping all day? Why do I have wonky blood readings? Permanent exhaustion? Low blood-pressure? Palpitations when I walk upstairs? Why do I ache? What’s causing the pain?’

‘Let me ask you something. Why are you so convinced you have Addison’s disease?’

Huh? Now call me neurotic – I’ve been called worse things – but the only way he could’ve known I was concerned about the accuracy of the SynActhen test findings, was if my GP had stressed it in her referral letter. So now, I’m getting the picture: he’s got me pegged as a difficult, Munchausen’s Syndrome patient or a raving hypochondriac. Great.

‘I’m not. Who said I was? I queried the cortisol levels in the test. I thought they were supposed to double. I questioned whether they were accurate enough to exclude further investigation. There’s something wrong with me and I need to find out what it is. I don’t give a flying monkey’s arse what  the diagnosis is, I just need to find out what it is, so I can address it. I’m forty-four, not eighty-four! I’ve got things to do, books to write! I don’t enjoy feeling this wretched all the time, you know!’ By this point I was all high-pitched and quivery-lipped.

A toddler girl crying
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‘Well, it’s not Addison’s. I’ll run a couple more tests to check your hormone levels and pituitary gland, but I’m not expecting to find anything wrong. Here, ‘ he said, shoving my symptom list back across the desk, ‘take this with you when you see Professor Pinchin. I think you’ll find you’ve  got Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.’

Notice he said, when and not if  you need a second referral.

‘Just before you go, have you thought about taking anti-depressants?’


It takes 45 minutes to drive home from the hospital. I made it back in 26. I was steaming!

More Fast and Furious: Music from and Inspired...

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Where do these doctors get this I Am God mentality? Do they teach it in medical school? Alongside ‘How to humiliate, patronise and thoroughly piss-off a patient’?

I did what I always do when I need de-stressing: I shouted at The Ex. And then I marched into my doctor’s surgery, demanding to see my GP.

‘We’ll just had a cancellation, Tiny. It must be your lucky day!’

Yeah, right.

I repeated the whole conversation to my GP. By this point I was wailing with frustration.

‘I’m hanging on by a fingernail here, and now I have to wait three weeks for the results of these new blood tests and then another four months for a second referral! I can’t cope! And now I’m crying! I never cry! I just want to feel better! And nobody believes me! You all think I’m just lazy or a moaner! I need some help here! I need somebody on my side!’ Tears were coursing down my face, mingling with snotty snot bubbles.

‘To be honest, I always thought we were looking at Chronic Fatigue, but we have to rule out everything else first. You need to rest, my love. Take a year off from work, avoid anything stressful.’

‘And how, exactly, am I supposed to do that? I’m a single parent, the only breadwinner in the house?’

‘Look, I know you’re upset. We’ll get to the bottom of this, but in the meantime, would you consider taking an anti-depressant?’

‘I’ve been on anti-bloody-depressants since September. Double dosage since Christmas!’

‘Oh, well, they don’t seem to be doing much to help…’

‘That’s because this isn’t fuckin’ depression!’  Yet!



About Tiny Temper

I'm a middle-aged freelance writer living in Cornwall. And no, it's not all sun, sand and steaming pasties. I've been married, done the divorce and accidentally shrunk the tee-shirt.

16 responses »

  1. The Amitriptyline they gave me are an antidepressant and a pain killer, they did help a bit. I knew I wasn’t suffering from depression but they also helped stop my shakes when I got too tired.
    I really hope you get some proper help and support soon. It’s a horrible thing to suffer.

    • You got the shakes when you got tired? Wow, so do I. I could cope with getting rid of those, and Amitriptiline is good for nerve pain, isn’t it?
      Thanks for your help, Eileen. Keep smilin’ 🙂

  2. How about we give your body something to get sleepy over? A night on the tiles, a run around somewhere hilly (plenty of choice), 4 night shifts at Asda, or a combination of all of the above…. That way it’ll kick start you into needing sleep, sleep like a baby (odd saying, babies never need sleep it seems)and when you wake you’ll be fine. Now I wonder why i never went down the Doctor route to a career?? Hope that Dr gets what they deserve.

  3. ~~~I changed my doctor because he thought he was Jesus Christ…
    my new doctor is a woman who is so cool. She
    actually knows I have a brain!
    Thinking of you, Tiny.

    • Thanks, Kim. I think they teach the Jesus Christ thing in med school. Sure, doctors do an amzing job, but they still make mistakes and they’re not gods!! Grrr! *hugs*

  4. I’ve never really like Drs. They are self righteous in their own. Take a year off from work. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, riiiiiiiight. Asshole. I noticed he never answered your question to keeping food on the table. ‘And how, exactly, am I supposed to do that? I’m a single parent, the only breadwinner in the house?’

    And why is everything always diagnosed as “depression”?

    I can’t imagine how frustrating this may all be!

    I can’t see why it takes 3 weeks for blood tests! A week at most.

    I SO wish I was there to help you. Take a deep breath and try to soldier on.

    Does ANYTHING help, like coffee or even a 5 hour energy?

    • It’s is frustrating, especially when they just fob you off. Once you’ve got depression on your notes, anytime you show up and don’t obviously need antibiotics, physiotherapy or an operation, it’s diagnosed as depression. Drives me mental! And they just don’t listen to you – I don’t have suicidal thoughts (yet), I don’t have low self-esteem (well, no more than usual!), I haven’t lost motivation, I don’t feel a failure and I don’t have mood swings – except for when I’m dealing with doctors!
      I’m a-hanging on! Thanks, Irene.

  5. OMG – First of all, I may borrow that first sentence of yours. It is so perfectly worded that I don’t think anyone could improve on it!

    My god, I hope someone gets you the fucking help you need. What’s going on with you is so reminiscent of what we went through when my first hubby had cancer. UGH! They would give him a Rx for 3-4 vicoden and send him on his way.

    And, yeah, just take a year off. You should have enough $ saved up for that – all the financial advisers advise it! LOL And I’m sure the Dr’s response to your “I can’t” was something along the lines of, “Well, it’s your health!” “Uh, well, without money, I’d be living in the streets, not eating… how healthy is THAT?!”

    Well, KUP if you actually find someone who’s willing to actually try to find out what’s wrong. In the meantime, keep on keepin’ on.

    • I could’ve added Fucktard! 🙂 But, yep, it’s all yours, hon 🙂
      I’m so sorry you had to go through all that with your first hubby. A friend of mine died recently – she kept going to docs because she couldn’t clear a chest infection. Turned out she had leukaemia. She died ten days after diagnosis. I still get my head round how they missed that one. So sad.
      I’ll keep fighting. I may have my down days, but I’ll always pick myself up and get back to the fight.

  6. Dude fuck it! Go get a second opinion!
    We aren’t pawns of the medical field… they should be our pawns to serve us! If you honestly believe something is wrong… investigate!
    I dont wanna see you on Mysterious Dynosis… cause first off I dont even know what you look like!!
    That doctor was an asshole!
    What a fucktard!

    • This is what I hate about the British NHS – there’s just no choice but to keep harrassing your own doctor or change practices, and then, word gets around that you’re a ‘difficult’ patient. It’s so bloody frustrating! I really rspect the fact they’ve got medical degrees; it’s not something I could ever do, but it doesn’t make ’em perfect and it doesn’t make ’em gods. Mistakes are made all the time, for God’s sake.
      If I end up on Mysterious Diagnosis, I’ll be the one with the placard saying, ‘I Heart Marina’! Mind you, it’s more likely I’ll end up on Most Haunted!! 🙂
      Fucktard! I love that word!!

  7. Oh, Honey. I so wish I could do something for you to help. I’m glad that you are venting by blogging. I think you would loose what mind you had left if you kept it all bottled up.

    I wasn’t sure from your first paragraph if you liked the Dr. or not? You weren’t so clear.

    • LMAO about the doctor comment 😀
      I really needed to vent that day! I was so angry! I’ve missed you, Bernie. Really hope to be up to scratch soon. Thanks for thinking of me 🙂

  8. Maybe you should ask for some access to alternative treatments. For instance, I do wonder if acupuncture might make you feel a little better?

    Next time someone mentions anti-depressants, ask to see a counsellor or psychologist instead.

    • I’m a real fan of acupuncture, Em; it’s helped my back pain so much over the years. I just need to know what it is I’m dealing with, and then I can work out the treatment.
      Ha! Good one! I might try the psychiatrist route!!


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