Things guys really don’t want to hear during sex…

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1. I’ve smoked fatter joints than that!
2. God, your ceiling really needs re-painting…
3. So, when are we getting married?
4. Let me go get my tweezers.
5. I hope we make a baby.
6. Did I remember to take my pill?
7. God! Can’t you just breathe through your nose?
8. Have we started yet?
9. Ssh! You’ll wake my mother!
10. On second thoughts, I do want the lights off…
11. No, no, you carry on. I can still see Eastenders over your shoulder.
12. But it still works, right?
13. God, that stinks!
14. What was your name again?
15. Sorry! I meant to say Tom!
16. See! I told you it wouldn’t work without batteries!
17. No! It’s a one-way street. Exit only!
18. I don’t care how much KY jelly you’ve got, the answer’s still no!
19. Jeez! There’s no way that’s gonna fit!
20. It’s no good. It just won’t wake up…
21. It’s okay. The scabs have dried up. I’m not infectious anymore…
22. No way! I’ll choke!
23. Hahahahahahahaha!
24. Do they even make condoms that small?
25. No, really. I can do this part better myself…   😉

Things girls really don’t want to hear during sex…

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1. Is that cellulite?
2. Mr Winkey wants to play with Mrs Fou-Fou…
3. Oh God! I’m stuck!
4. Geddoffmee… I…Can’t…breathe…
5. Do you take Visa?
6. By the way, I haven’t really had a vasectomy…
7. Hurry up!
8. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
9. Can I call you Mummy?
10. Oh God, my back’s gone…
11. This has never happened to me before…
12. So how long, d’you think, before you’re there?
13. Your mum is such a MILF!
14. Jeez! Who opened the tuna?
15. Ow! You’re not supposed to use your teeth!
16. Wow! Look at your arse wobble!
17. And to think, it was your mate I really fancied…
18. I’m just trying to finish this game on Call of Duty…
19. That was okay, but your sister was better.
20. Uh-oh…The condom’s split…
21. Those Wonderbras are amazing. I really thought you had tits…
22. Did I take my Penicillin?
23. Gosh, it’s so roomy in there…

Ten reasons why internet dating sucks…

   

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Goodness, where to start? I’ll try to be objective, not rant (too much) and avoid using potentially slanderous phrases such as ‘All men on dating sites are wankers’. I said I’d try, but I’m promising nothing..

Okay, this one’s for you, Max: 10 reasons why internet dating sucks…

• It’s not private ~ Although your initial registration details remain confidential, the rest of your information – name, age, photo, hometown, hobbies and profile story – is all accessible to millions via the big ol’ World Wide Web. Yeah, I know there’s a clue in the title  Internet dating, but  still, you’d expect a degree of privacy. It’s a bit like being in the pub with your best mates. You knock back a double vodka and huddle in to whisper ‘I’ve got chlamydia’ only to find the music’s stopped, nobody’s chatting and you’ve just blasted your innermost thoughts to a bunch of perfect strangers.
  Not too embarrassing, then…
•  It’s limiting ~ You’re restricting yourself to ‘meeting’ only those who spend time online. If this is your only form of dating, you’ll never get to meet all those other perfectly eligible men who wouldn’t be seen dead wearing someone else’s clothes on an online dating site. Honestly. Some people just don’t know how to live…
• First impressions count ~ Suppose a user isn’t comfortable with the written word? Or doesn’t know how to put his personality across? Maybe someone’s dyslexic? Or has uploaded an unflattering photo. Perhaps he doesn’t actually resemble Shrek in daylight. You may dismiss someone perfectly thick nice because his punctuation isn’t up to scratch or his picture’s blurry.
• Users tend to confuse dating with mating ~ Now, dating may well lead to mating – in fact we rather hope it will – and mating can, of course, occur without the dating, but the words DATING SITE should give users a hint – most of us are there to date, NOT shag ourselves senseless with a variety of strange men. And approaching a woman with ‘Yo! You’re hot! I’d like to rodger your brains out’ is NOT the way to ask for either!
• It still carries a social stigma ~ Telling people you’re dating online is like announcing you’ve got leprosy. You’ll get all the usual comments – ‘God! You must be really desperate!‘ or ‘Only losers and psychos use those sites!‘ and my personal favourite, ‘Can’t you find a man the normal way, then?‘
• You don’t know who you’re getting ~ It’s much easier to fabricate a persona and keep the pretence going online because you’re dealing only with the written word. All those telltale signs of dishonesty like avoidance of eye-contact are impossible to interpret over a computer screen so you have no way of knowing whether the other person is truthful or not.
• It’s too rational ~ Falling in love isn’t logical. It’s not based on height or earning capacity, it happens through chemistry. Love is all about feelings and emotions. Dating site profiles deal with personal information. You’re choosing and rejecting potential mates by making rational decisions, whereas in real life, we choose partners by our emotional responses.

 

• It’s a false reality ~ Online social interaction is quite different to face-to-face contact. Normal rules don’t seem to apply. If I make a comment to a stranger in a shop, chances are we’ll strike up a friendly conversation. Online I’ll probably be ignored. Worse still, my message could be ‘Unread and Deleted’. I might only be saying ‘Hey, great sense of humour!’ or something similarly banal and non-threatening, but that user has taken one look at my picture, barfed and deleted me! Not only is it downright rude, but it’s become the normal, expected way to behave.
• It’s 2D ~ in a real life situation we use our Spidey senses to determine how we feel about someone. Our brain subconsciously assesses the other person’s appearance, body language, facial expressions, tone of voice, eye contact, mannerisms, personal smell etc. We can’t do this online. Instead we have to filter a limited amount of information through only one sense – our eyes. No wonder I keep ending up with dorks!
• It’s full of todgers ~ Honest to God I’ve never seen so many peckers in my whole life! Fat ones, skinny ones, short ones, thick ones, bent ones, hairy ones, bald ones! It’s never right! If I met a guy in my local, he sure as hell wouldn’t whip out his todger before he’d even said ‘Hello’! Online it seems to be the new male form of flirting. God help us!

             Over to you – have I missed anything?

  

It’s all in the jeans – I mean, genes…

Image by Limbic via Flickr

Men and women are different. And not just in the obvious way. We have different priorities, thought processes and behaviour . Not rocket science, I know, but it makes you wonder why?  I remember sending someone a birthday card with this amazing snippet of wisdom on the front:

How to turn a woman on: Caress, pamper, massage, empathise, serenade, compliment, soothe, stroke, whisper, hug, tantalise, protect, smooch, nuzzle, charm, listen to, trust, defend, spoil, worship, adore, acknowledge, embrace, tease, idolise, die for, phone, anticipate, hug, love, ignore fat bits, stimulate, praise.

How to turn a man on: Get naked. Bring beer.

And it all goes back to what’s in his jeans – I mean, genes. One of Man’s greatest instincts is to procreate, to ensure the species survives. Poor old Stone-Age Man, needing to do the business, yet surrounded by fiercely predatory creatures – sabre-toothed tigers, wooly mammoths and rampaging mothers-in-law. His engine had to vroom from 0 to 60 at a second’s notice, making sure he reached his …er…destination in as short a time as possible. The risk of having something sharp and pointed plunged in your butt would do that to a man.

Us girls, of course, are more like diesel engines. Turn the key. Wait for the red light to go out. Ease s-l-o-w-l-y away from the kerb. Slip into second gear…You know the score. And I’m sure this is because our Stone-Age sisters couldn’t afford to get carried away; they were too busy guarding hubby’s bottom, while he got on with the serious business of hiding the hot-dog.

And you know why most men have a pet name for their penis? It’s because they don’t want  a stranger making 99% of their decisions for them  😉