Yeah, I know. I haven’t exactly been encouraging about the whole online dating scene, but that’s because I’m only meeting dorks. Takes one to attract one, I suppose…
But today, I’m being positive and listing the advantages of cyber-dating. Mr Right could just be one click away, right?
- It’s comfy! You can date in your fleecy jammies from the comfort of your own bed or sofa! You don’t have to suck in your stomach all evening and nobody cares if your bum looks massive!
- It’s cheap! You’re not paying out club entrance fees or buying gallons of alcohol for Dutch courage. You don’t need a new dress. Or new shoes. Or co-ordinating make-up and perfume…There are no restaurant bills, no tips, no taxis home. And if you choose a non-paying dating site, it’s free, I tell you! Free!
- It’s fun! Especially if you invite the girls for the evening. Break open the Bacardi Breezers and the Pringles, and you can all huddle around the laptop
laughingchoosing a mate.
- It’s easy! You don’t have to shave your legs, tackle your underarm foliage or pluck your eyebrows. No squeezing your tired tootsies into six-inch stiletto heels, or detaching your retina with the latest volume enhancing mascara wand!
- It’s character building! Role play to your heart’s content, baby. You can be Marilyn Monroe one night, and the next, Slutty Selina the Sausage Slayer. But don’t try introducing yourself after a couple of vodkas…
- It’s convenient! You can date on a Saturday night and see Anne Widdecombe dressed up like a fairy, and watch Wagner singing the wrong words badly on X Factor.
- You can dream! It doesn’t matter if your virtual date is bald and toothless, in your head you’re with Johnny Depp on a moonlit Caribbean beach, the shush of the waves lapping at the shore, the scent of coconut oil mingling with the tropical rum cocktail you’re sipping, and he leans towards you. You look into his dark, chocolate coloured eyes.. The world melts away. He edges closer. Your lips meet, gently at first…(Just remember to set the scene beforehand – whack up the central heating, dim the lights and flush the loo for maximum trickling water effect.)
- There’s no stress! At the end of your date there’s no pressure to snog, or go to go back to his for ‘coffee’. You don’t have to faff with all that embarrassing ‘Give me your number. I’ll ring you’ stuff. It’s just Click! and he’s gone. And if your date’s beginning to resemble a scene from The Shining, it’s Click! He’s blocked. Goodbye, sayonara, Auf wiedersehen, prat.
- There’s no limit! You don’t have to stick with one moody, self-centred, ill-mannered, weedy, needy, simpering, whimpering bloke all night. In one evening online, you can date hundreds of the miserable fuckers!
- I’m on there! The number one reason why anyone should sign up for internet dating – you might meet me! Lovable, funny, wobbly bottomed ol’ me! 🙂