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Show me Love, Blogosphere…

Irene from The Soapbox is dead right when she says that some blogs receive accolades from being featured on the WordPress Freshly Pressed homepage, and others receive it from their subscribers. We all know which mention means more.

There’s a  lot of controversy about ‘online friendships’: critics say we’re all pathetic sadsacks who have no social skills, and spend their lives hiding behind computer screens because we’re too scared to go out in the world and form ‘real’ relationships. Well I say, Bollocks! That’s just internet dating!

I’ve ‘met’ some great people through blogging and other social networking sites – people I now call friends, and my life is richer for it. I say, Thanks, mates, for all your support, your love, your humour, conversation and for each and every photo of hot, half-naked guy you’ve ever posted!

To have two – yes, two! – awards in the same weekend was just stupendously awesome! (See how I blended the English ‘stupendous’ with the American ‘awesome’ ? I know how to integrate cultures and promote World Peace.)

Alicia over on McCrenshaw’s Newest Thoughts gave me The Stylish Blogger Award and I’m honoured to receive it a second time. Does this make me doubly stylish? I love Alicia’s blog – she’s so fresh and writes with a gentle humour that always makes me smile.

To accept this award, I must share seven things about myself:

  • I swear way too much, but I guess you’ve already noticed that one…   😉
  • I love colour – the brighter the better – it’s so stimulating and invigorating. My bedroom is currently painted fucshia-pink and turquoise, and I love it! I once had to spend three months in a rented house that was wall-to-wall magnolia, and I was suicidal by the time we had to leave!
My bedroom

Hmm... is this why I can't find a man?

  • I hate having my photo taken; I always end up looking absolutely gormless – either my eyes are half-closed or rolling like I’m stoned, or my gob’s hanging open like I’ve lost my brain! I hate, loathe and detest it with a passion!
  • I hold ‘grudges’ for years – not in a childish I’ll-Make-You-Sorry! kind of way, but if someone acts so badly, abusing my friendship or my trust so much, I just cut them out of my life. I don’t have the inclination, nor the energy to waste on dishonourable people. And don’t think it’s one strike and you’re out, I’m talking about repeated disrespectful behaviour. 
I Walk Away

Image via Wikipedia

  • I believe in love and fairytale Happy Endings – just not for me. I truly think I’m supposed to live my life alone. And unloved, discarded by society, thrown away like a flaccid, used condom… (Aren’t you glad I’m not adding a photo to this one!   🙂  )
  • My great ambition was to write romantic comedy novels, until one day, my uni tutor  said, ‘You  can do funny, love, but you truly suck at telling  stories!’
    Hey, don’t sit on that fence, mister, say what you really feel… 
Smoochies

Image by Enokson via Flickr

  • Finally, I’ve got quite  a ‘thing’ about bald men – all that smooth, silky skin that only you, as a girlfriend, get to touch. It’s so intimate, so sexy! Well, from what I can remember, of course…

Thank you, Alicia! Now to pass on the award to bloggers I haven’t featured before:

Danny Llama – Dan travels all over the world and tells some fascinating stories!

Freaky Frugalite – Rebecca posts about all sorts of stuff and it’s always interesting and funny!

Marina Sleeps – I’m new to this one, but I love her! She has a great sense of humour and says it the way it is!

Pretty Fly For a Blind Guy – another one with wicked humour, but he needs to post more often! Hint, hint!

Talia – a brand new blog set up by Vicki – it’s a taster for a new women’s fashion magazine and somebody quite gorgeous and talented will be writing a column for it. Oh, and I will be, too! Would be great if you could hop over  and show some bloggy-lurve.

Gosh! A second  Award tomorrow! 🙂

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Stylish Blogger Awards!

Yay! And here we are again – Stylish Blogger Awards: Round Two!

New awardees are asked to do the following:

1. Thank and link back to the blogger who gave you this award.
2. Share seven things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers the Stylish Blogger Award.
4. Contact them and let them know!

Annnndddd I award the Stylish Blogger Award to:

  • antithetical ~ Lee has a wonderful sense of humour and outlook on life – check out her post on Children!
  • ellen’s guide to bad internet dating  ~ I so admire her perseverance and dedication to finding Mr Right, and she has a great sense of humour. Go, Grey Goose!
  • the japing ape  ~ my favourite ape! I luff you, Mr B! More loltastic humour coming from the Congo, and also, some mild pornography   😉
  • my not so fictional life ~ Em always gives me something serious to think about – today it’s waste disposal issues in foggy Cornwall.
  • wise little owls  ~ lovely Vicki writes about fashion and design. Her posts are full of enthusiasm and colour – oh, to be young again!

I’m still checking out new blogs and loving everything I read, but today I’m just choosing five – if I go for the full fifteen, I’ll still be writing this post in July!

A special mention for the Soapbox – Irene really makes me laugh and we both have truckers’ mouths – whatever that means…      😉     Check out her great post today on Sexism – it’s not what you’d expect! I’m unofficially adding her to my list as she already holds the award.

I’m making new friends and having a great time blogging – thanks, everyone, for your friendliness, humour and great conversation!

Be gentle with me…

Jason Statham

Image via Wikipedia

I must’ve read thirty blogs over the last few days. I’ve followed link after link after link and visited places I’ve never even heard of – Bolivia, that’s you 😉

I’ve got subscriptions pouring out of my laptop – Google friend, Bloglovin’ WordPress, e-mail, RSS feed thingies – they’re hiding everywhere! I know I subscribed to a Feeling Beachy blog, but I’ll be buggered if I can find out where she’s gone!

While I try to get organised, please be gentle with me for I am a blog-hoppin’ virgin. And if anyone knows where the Beachy One is, tell her she is lost.

PS I have no idea where Jason’s photo came from. None at all. I guess it must have been randomly generated to appear on my page. Randomly.

Bah Humbug!

 

bah, humbug: take two
Image by PrincessFroglips via Flickr

Well, I hope you all enjoyed a very Merry Christmas!

Mine was mixed; there was a Great Moment, a Truly Disappointing Moment and a Tiny-Why-Can’t-You-Just-Keep-Your-Big-Gob-Closed Embarrassing Moment.

Truly Disappointing Moment: Needless to say, Santa didn’t deliver the goods.

Bastard.

There were chocolates and books under the tree, a pretty pink duvet set and Bon Jovi’s Greatest Hits, but no naked bloke, with or without a sense of humour, or a pulse.

I was gutted. Really.

And I blame the kids. If they hadn’t let Rudolph ‘escape’ on Christmas Eve, I’d have had bargaining power. But, oh no! I have to have the only teenagers in the country – no, the world, who aren’t rebellious! I had to breed teenagers with a social bleedin’ conscience! Ye Gods! They’ll be helping little old ladies across the street, next!

But what about me? I’m old and single, getting wrinklier by the second. Soon, the children will be gone, and I’ll be alone. My only friend, a steaming pile of reindeer poop and a dog with Special Needs.

Great Moment: I’ve been pimped! Actually, let me re-phrase that; my blog has been pimped by the lovely Bernie over at One Mixed Bag. Yo, sistah!  Not only does she make me laugh, but she’s featured some really great blogs as well, so I’m honoured to be mentioned! Have just joined the Over 40’s Blogroll, and am looking forward to checking out some other blogs written by wrinklies more mature and experienced peeps.     😉    Thanks, Bernie!

Tiny-Why-Can’t-You-Just-Keep-Your-Big-Gob-Closed Embarrassing Moment: I’m not much of a drinker. Seriously, I giggle after the first mouthful, and start slurring before I’ve finished one drink. It’s shameful, really.
Well, the boys and I headed off to our local for Christmas dinner, and I made the fateful mistake of having a vodka before eating. And not just one, but a double! One sniff of the hard stuff, and the world was a wonderful place.

‘Boys!’ I cried! ‘I luff you! C’m here so Mommy can kiss you, and hug you ‘cos I luff you!’

And that wasn’t even the embarrassing bit…

‘Oh, look! How funny!’ I screeched to a group of people at the bar. ‘My children are embarrassed because I’m a but squiffy! And I’ve only had half my drink!’

‘Arrr, you’m a cheap night out then, moi luvverrr!’ some old farmer replied. (Remember: this is Cornwall.)

‘I know!’ I cried. Again. ‘Can you believe I’m on my own? Really! I’m such a cheap date, I should be flooded with offers. Look, I’m all this fun after half a vodka! Jeeze! I’d prob’ly get naked after two!’

Honest to God, I have never seen a pub empty so fast.

Quasimodo WLTM a complete wuss who likes groping in public…

Alexander Ostuzhev as Quasimodo, 1925.

Image via Wikipedia

Okay, here’s my dating profile according to Tiny’s Online Translation Guide.

Feel free to mail me for a date, but for the love of Mars bars and other things holy, don’t send me pictures of your pecker!

I’m not hideous enough to make you vomit, but let’s play it safe by dating somewhere with subdued lighting. On no. Silly me! I just looked in the mirror and I actually resemble Quasimodo having a big, bad hair day.

I have a spankable butternut-squash-shaped bottom and am still waiting for my boobs to grow. In fact every time I get a pimple, I become over-excited, hoping that I’m finally about to enter puberty.

I only ever laugh at other people’s misfortune and whenever someone says the word ‘willy’. Or ‘knob’. And especially the number ’69’.

I’m loud and annoying, and I laugh like a constipated donkey. When people let me out in public, they always tell others I’m on day release from the local Care in the Community programme. I do have major control issues – you can keep your front-door key, Mister. I have a shiny silver one of my own. I do take Prozac – the anti-depressant of the stars.

I’m looking for a man who won’t admit to his true age. A complete wuss who enjoys groping in public places, and will titter alongside me whenever someone says the word ‘willy’. Or ‘knob’. And especially when we hear the number ’69’.

I expect you to pay for dinner. And dessert. And coffee. And an after-dinner liqueur. At the end of the evening, you will thank me for being such good company and then walk me to my car.

Horny is acceptable, but no mummy’s boys, please; I would frequently make you cry. Would be particulary delighted to hear from anyone with flatulence problems in the bedroom.  😉

Prince Charming’s arse…

Don't mess with my emoticons

Image by id-iom via Flickr

Only a quickie today as I’m not feeling well 😦  I should have known, when I crawled to bed at half-past eight on Friday night, that I was going to wake up to something unpleasant. And I did. A throat infection that feels like I’ve been chewing glass. And I’m all choked up with horrible green goo! If you’d like to know more, please mail me and I’ll fill you in on all the gruesome details.

Well, over here on WordPress we have this amazing little gizmo that tells us where reader traffic is coming from. It’s also rather revealing about the phrases people type into Google – the same phrases that search engines use to  direct readers to our blogs. That’s probably a clunky explanation, but I’m ill. Feel my pain.

Let’s see. There was arse, courtesy of our very own Gorilla Bananas. (He’s got a thing about bottoms, you see. The wobblier, the better, because he does enjoy a bit of a spank. Allegedly…)

And someone was searching for Prince Charming’s arse. Join the queue, my love. Join the queue.

I particularly like my arse. This one shows just how dependant society has become upon technology. Modern man or woman needs Google to find their own bottom. In my day we would’ve just looked in the mirror…

And then we had my first hot date. I’m not quite sure why that poor person was directed to my blog; I haven’t written about any hot dates because I haven’t bleedin’ had any! Well, not since the early 80’s.

Someone else was looking for penis photos. Good to see the system works; I’ve got hundreds of those pesky little peckers on file.

I saved the best ’til last. The funniest search engine term that people used to find my blog is….drum roll, please….big titted, small-arsed trollops  🙂

I didn’t know I was hosting a kinky porn site!

There’s no-one quite like Grandma…

Whose counting the E-Numbers boys???

Image by law_keven via Flickr

It seems to me that  young  men on the pull are very much like salesmen. Just as you’ve pushed one off your front step, another one starts ringing the bell!  And they stand there, cocksure, so full of confidence, youth and E numbers, and it’s making me feel like a grumpy old grandma!

Yep, you guessed it; I received a message today from another man-boy young enough to be my son, and it’s driving me crazy! Arrrggghhhh!

And I wouldn’t be quite so deranged if he’d graced his message with a comma. Or a full stop. Or something.

 i put others first and have been hurt many times in the past due to me being soft but thats my nature im looking for a lady who honest loyal wont cheat and can make me happy and when it comes to the bedroom im very experienced as i know human biology 🙂 also i feel offended when older people say im to young for them as age is a number its how you feel that defines your age 🙂 if you block me its ur loss some other lady will benefit from me 🙂  

Good! I hope she enjoys!

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