Sexy Pink Pyjamas and a Happy Dance

Hellooooo, world, I’m here! *Waits for the cheers to subside and then does a Happy Dance* Well, it’s more of a slow shuffle, but you get the idea.

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How are you, peeps? What’s been happening in the Wonderful World of Blogging? I’ve missed you! But I so needed to take a break and then I kind of got out of the habit. I will do better. I will do better. I will.

Let me bring you up to date: I’m loads better and have a new job. Now, don’t get too excited; I’ve not joined a team about to find a cure for cancer. I’m not running for parliament, and I’m still not Jason Statham’s salaried sex-slave. (Yet. But I remain optimistic; I just need to work off all those Christmas mince pies and Quality Street chocolates that cling stubbornly to my lardy arse and I’ll be ready for a wild, animalistic, hotel-room trashing, chandelier swinging romp a grown-up, deep and meaningful relationship.)

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Anyway, my new job… I’m now a Housekeeper at a small holiday lettings company. It’s about 12-16 hours a week and I can pretty much keep my own hours as long as I’m there for Friday changeovers. I just hope I can keep it up during the summer when I’ve got twenty cleaners and thirty cottages to manage on one day! At the moment I’m just happy to be well enough to work. This time last year I could barely get off the sofa and had to crawl upstairs for a pee.

C0mpletely random, but here’s our dog:

He’s not new, in fact in doggy years  the silly sod is now entering middle-age, but he still thinks he’s a puppy. Poor thing, he’s always had Special Needs. He’s called Deefor, as in A for Apple, B for Ball, D for Dog, but we just tend to call him The Dog With No Brain. Bless!

And then, there’s the new hat I bought myself, ready for the predicted mini Ice-Age. It’s January and it’s been the mildest winter on record, but hey! There’s still time for the snow.  I proudly present Youngest Son modelling Tiny’s New Furry Hat, comeplete with built-in ear-flaps and nipple-warmers:

That's my boy!

Ummm, what else? Oh, I know! I had some pretty cool pyjamas for Christmas. I’m tempted to post a photo, but I’m not sure I should. I mean, they are pretty sex-kittenish. I wouldn’t want any of you getting over-excited and drooling over your keyboard…

Hey, I know – we’ll compromise – I’ll post the picture if you go and grab a paper bag. That way, should you be so sexually aroused that you start hyperventiliating, you’ll have a handy bag to breathe into. And it also doubles quite nicely as a sick-bag.

Okay, here I come, but remember I did try to warn you…

Take me, Jason. I'm yours!

How cool? And they’re not just fleecy, they’re soft and  furry! Furry, I tell you! Like a silky pink cat. I put these on in the evening and can’t resist giving myself a little stroke, and out of my mouth pops a perfect purrrrrr.

And they’re even printed with a little message:

Purrrrr!

Are they not THE perfect present for me? Pink, furry jammies, Eeyore slippers and a snooze on the sofa. Could my life be more complete?

Actually, there is one thing missing: a man. And not just any man – oh, you so know where this is going… The Christmas Fairies gave me a four-film JS DVD set. Actually, I probably shouldn’t call my two 6 foot sons fairies, should I? Anyway, that’s 7 hours of back-to-back, action-packed Jason. Just think if it were front-to-front  – oh, be still, my twitching knickers…

My favourite one in the box has to be Chaos, where he plays a maverick detective trying to solve a bank robbery where nothing was actually stolen. He’s a gorgeous, walking sex-machine at the best of times, but in this he wears a bullet-proof vest and he’s just Phwoarrr!

Ooh, and here’s another mean ‘n’ moody one:

And the last one:

Who’d have thought a woolly hat could be so sexy?

Now, normally I’m careful about the images I use, making sure they’re copyright free, and linking back to the owner, but this time, I’ve just posted. My next update could well be from sent from prison, but I’d be proud to say I went down for Jason.  😉

Even more ridiculous ways to find lurve…

• Attend a stripping party: Tell a friend her house looks shabby, and then suggest she holds a decorating party, inviting everyone (single) she knows. Zoom in on a potential mate and offer to hold his (scraping) tool. If he starts flicking gluey strips of jaded wallpaper in your hair, you know you’ve pulled.
• Through a friend: The perfect way to find love because your mate can pre-screen for undesirable qualities and deep-rooted psychological neuroses. She can pre-screen, but it doesn’t mean she will, though… A mutual mate once set me up with a moody, miserable bastard who hated women.  ‘Why didn’t you tell me he was a moody, miserable bastard who hated women? I moaned, a week later. ‘Well,’ she said, with a shrug, ‘You’re funny and lighthearted. We thought you might bring out his happy side. And it gave us a break for a couple of nights…’
• Through a hobby: Is there an activity you enjoy doing at home? Could you turn it into a club for others to join? 

Oops! Maybe not...

• Venture into a Man’s World: Try DIY stores, golf ranges, garages, football matches – any place where men congregate! But, unless you’ve been chugging tequila slammers all night, probably best to avoid changing rooms or the gents’ toilets… Dress fluffy and do the whole ‘I’m a girl’ *flutter eyelashes* I need a big, strong man to check my oil/explain the offside rule/advise on the best screw fittings.’  If you’re not immediately surrounded by a flock of flashy peacocks, fall back on Plan B – cry.
• Join a Health Club: Every day, across the country, millions of fit, attractive, gays are pumping iron…Whoops! I meant guys, of course…  😉
• Throw a party: Invite everyone you know. Ask your friends to bring other friends, and their friends to – Just open-house to everyone! But, be prepared for vomit on the lawn, up your stairs and in the dishwasher. And don’t, for the love of Mars bars and other things holy, advertise your Singles Will Mingle event on Facebook, unless you’re prepared for: Confirmed Guest Attendance – 7, 631 …
• Advertise for lurve:  Pop a notice in your local Spar, pub or post office. Make it stand out from all the usual Mature female WTLM male for companionship and walks by the sea. Go for something bold, eye-catching and unique. Old Banger, free to a good home. One former negligent owner. Bodywork’s a bit knackered and dented in places. Engine’s sluggish, but she just needs turning on and given a bloody good revving! 😉                                

Old but still beautiful!

No crudity, please; we’re British…

Image by Travis S. via Flickr

And the don’ts:

Don’t start with the sex-talk. Do you like it doggy-style? as an appropriate  conversation opener? I think not. Women already believe most men are purely after sex, why add logs to the fire? And I seriously never, ever  wanna see another photo of  Thunder the Wonder Horse. Even if it is smothered in whipped cream and drizzled with chocolate. Leave it for the bedroom. If you get that far.

Don’t believe everything you’re told. Men and women commonly shave a few numbers off their age and add it to their height to make themselves appear more attractive. Others lie about their job. Hell, some people even forget they’re married. Take it all with a healthy dose of skepticism until you find out for sure.

Don’t post photos of you with your ex. Yes, I know you don’t want to come across as a desperate, lonely sod, but again, it smacks of ‘I’m just sooo not over her/him/it’. Ditto with pictures of your children.  You just can’t assess someone as a possible date when they’re playing mum or dad. Two different roles. And it feels wrong to even be looking. More to the point, who on earth thinks it’s okay to plaster photos of their kids all over the internet?

Don’t blast someone you like with loads of messages in one day. It smacks of desperation. People do have lives. Most of us aren’t sitting by the computer, waiting for a member of the opposite sex to throw us a scrap of attention. Be patient, and don’t get abusive. Give them twenty-four hours and move on.

Don’t tell someone your life-story in one e-mail. It’s boring, and personal stuff is far better explained face-to-face.  Ask questions of the other person, keep the dialogue moving. Stick to light-hearted, flirty and brief. And no crudity, please; we’re British.

And whatever you do, don’t  get hung up on one person. Even if he is gorgeous and you’d secretly named all your future children and picked out and decorated a nice little cottage for you all by the sea. If only he’d dump that trollop of a woman and come back to me…Mmm…Meringue Man  😉

If you want me to fall for you, give me something worth tripping over…

Image via Wikipedia

Ye Gods, sack me now! I forgot a category in yesterday’s post. Let me introduce you to: 

Dick 007: Now, guys who fall into this category have – well, an unusual way of wooing women… I stumbled across the first one by accident, and boy! was I unprepared. Instead of uploading a picture of his face like the rest of us poor saddos, he chose instead, a photo of himself mid-coitus. A real zoomed-in, no-hair-follicle-left-to-the-imagination shot of himself doing the bizz with some fat chick  splendidly proportioned woman. At least I think it was a woman. It could actually have been a bulldog… 

In her position (pun intended) I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t even want that particular print hanging around my house, but I’m absolutely certain I wouldn’t want it broadcast on the big ol’ World Wide Web. I mean, what was Dick 007 thinking? And what message was he sending out to us potential datees? I’d shag Les Dawson? 

Others in this category are more selective, preferring the er…more individual approach. Yep, that’s right – open up your inbox or Instant Messenger screen and up pops a purple pecker in all its morning-glory…

I mean, come on! We all know men are sexually aroused by pictures of naked women, but girls find full frontal male nudity about as appealing as a leg-wax. A close-up of Skippy and the twins? It’s not exactly a sunset over the sea now, is it?

Guys, there’s a time and a place for everything, and ‘Hello, here’s my todger’ really isn’t one of them.