The Tiny Translation Guide part 2

Image by The Library of Congress via Flickr

And now to translate the men’s profiles!

Athletic ~ spends all this free time at the gym. Will expect you to be just as obsessed disciplined. Carrying a few extra pounds ~ think Johnny Vegas but without the humour.
Average ~ could be anything from the Elephant Man to the Seven Dwarves.
Sporty ~ spends every evening playing X Box.
Adventurous ~ desperate for a threesome. Bring a friend.
Independent ~ you’re never getting your hands on this guy’s front-door key.
Up for a laugh ~ an alcoholic
Uninhibited ~ has a flatulence problem.
Romantic ~ a complete wuss.
Affectionate ~ groping in public really turns him on.
Passionate ~ horny.
Loyal ~ a stalker.
Sensitive ~ mummy’s boy. Don’t upset him, or he’ll cry.
Artistic ~ unemployed and broke, but you will get an over-the-top, gushy handwritten poem on your birthday.
Mature ~ much older than he’s admitting.
Distinguished ~ ancient. This one’ll complain of prostate problems but luckily, he’ll be napping before he gets to the gory details.
Good looking ~ looks great modelling white Calvin Klein underpants, but ask him to do anything more challenging, and he’s screwed.
Just an ordinary guy ~ is as boring as fuck. Has no personality at all and resorts to chatting about the weather. Thinks your conversation is scintillating. He looks at you with adoring eyes and a soppy grin. Reminds you of a puppy.
Bit of a hippie ~ showers once a fortnight and believes in sleeping around.
An entrepreneur ~ sells  stolen goods out of the back of a battered white van.
Friendship First ~ he’s impotent.
Not looking for casual sex ~ You’ve accidentally clicked on a woman’s profile. Go back to the blokes’ page.
Gone past the clubbing scene ~ embarrassed to be seen in public since he started dancing like his dad.
Likes to really let go in the bedroom ~ a premature ejaculator.
Recently separated ~ and feeling rejected. Has major trust issues. Will need lots of reassurance and cuddling. Can you be arsed?
Loves riding my motorbike ~ having a midlife crisis.
An old-fashioned kind of guy ~ he wears the trousers, now get in that kitchen and cook him a roast.
Looks aren’t important ~ he hasn’t had sex in years. If he doesn’t get some soon, his scrotum’s gonna spontaneously combust.
Likes to show a girl a good time ~ after a night with this guy, you won’t walk straight for a week.
Looking for an older woman ~ has unresolved mummy issues.
Looking for a younger woman ~ he’s a pervert.

The Tiny Translation Guide to dating terms and phrases…

Image by kthread via Flickr

Anyone who’s dangled a toe in the murky pool of online dating will know that trying to decipher a user’s profile is a lot like sifting through grit in the hope of locating a pearl. And chances are, all you’re gonna get for your effort, is crap underneath your fingernails.

When a woman describes herself as cuddly, does that mean she enjoys a hug, or that physically, she’s a bit of a hippo? When a man says he’s mature, is he saying he’s responsible, or older than your dad?

Honestly it’s a minefield for the uninitiated.

But it’s your lucky day! I’ve already done the decoding. Here is one part one of Reading between the lines – what those descriptions and phrases really mean:

On women’s profiles:

Voluptuous ~ has massive bazookas. 
Curvy ~ fat. Tends to wear leggings to stop her thighs from chafing.
Slim ~  still waiting for her boobs to grow.
Average looking ~ not hideous enough to make you vomit. Just to be on the safe side plan a date with subdued lighting.
A few extra pounds ~ really fat. Or pregnant.
BBW – Big Beautiful Woman ~ definitely female. Don’t ever let her go on top or you’ll end up in traction.
Sporty ~ loves watching tight buns and chunky thighs  rugby on the telly.
Strong sense of self ~ a ball-breaker.
Bubbly~ loud and annoying. Laughs like a constipated donkey and is really embarrassing in public.
Emotionally secure ~ takes Prozac.
Calm and laid-back ~ takes Prozac and Diazepam.
Open-minded ~ thinks your best mate looks hot.
High spirited ~ has Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Self medicates with Speed.
A good sense of humour ~ only ever laughs at someone else’s misfortune. And when she hears the word ‘willy’.
Artistic ~ a high maintenance manic-depressive.
Romantic ~ thinks Cinderella was a True Movie. She’ll expect flowers, chocolates and cute cuddly toys for each weekly anniversary.
Independent ~ has control issues.
Attractive ~ she’s a bimbo airhead.
Loyal ~ overly possessive. Ditch this one and the bunny gets it.
A bit of a hippy ~ hasn’t shaved her armpits since 1987.
An active social life ~ yeah, on Facebook.
Great personality ~ looks like Quasimodo.
Old-fashioned kind of girl ~ No sex on a first date. And she doesn’t do oral.
Quite shy at first ~ until she’s downed a barcardi and coke and then you’ll have to peel her off your penis. At least ’til you’re out of the pub.
Looks aren’t important ~ she’s only interested in your bank balance.
Friendship first ~ she needs to let the antibiotics work before she can shag you.
Recently separated ~ on the rebound. You’re soo getting laid tonight.
Likes a man to be a man ~ expect to pay for everything.
Looking for an older man ~ her daddy calls her princess and she believes him.
Looking for a younger man ~ she’s about to hit the menopause and her hormones have gone bonkers. She wants hot fast sex, and she wants it now!

Translating male profiles tomorrow  🙂

Just one cock-up too many…

Image by wstera2 via Flickr

Can someone help me out here, please? Preferably before I scream and scream and explode in angry frustrated blobs that splatter the walls and make a mess of the carpet….

Remember me telling you about the deluge of indecent Purple Pecker Pictures I kept receiving in my inbox? Well, to stop the willy onslaught, I added my own appendage to my profile page:

Oh, and please DON’T send me photos of  your dangly bits. There’s a time and place for everything, and ‘Hello, here’s my todger’ isn’t one of them!

To me, that’s fair enough, and straight to the point, if you’ll pardon the pun. So why then, do I have an e-mail lurking in my message box, entitled: Hello, would you like to see my one-eyed trouser-snake?

Tell me where I’m going wrong, people. I mean, was that too subtle a message? Too sophisticated? Too obfuscating-ly oblique?

And it’s not that I’m a prude. If I was dating someone and we’d already done the jiggly jiggly, and he sent me a picture of his doodle along with a witty comment like ‘Meet me for dinner. I’m bringing desert!’, then I’d be as skippy as a teenager at a Justin Bieber gig.

But coming face-to-head with a strange, disembodied penis during your morning cuppa? It’s enough to scramble your eggs…

And, for the love of Mars bars and other things holy, don’t tell the  gorilla. He’s extremely protective. If he finds out other men have been flashing their wares in my face, there’s no telling what he’d do. In fact, he’d probably go completely bananas 😉

Every name tells a story. Unfortunately…

  

Searching for The One...

 

Okay, I’ve chosen a site, written a sparkling profile and uploaded a not-too-awful looking photo. Now it’s time to hit the search button and go find My One True Love.  

*An interestink hour passes*  

Hmmm…well, there are hundreds of (supposedly) single men on here. And most of them have only one head. Always a bonus, I find. Let’s see…there’s TimmyTantrum. I’ll be giving him a miss, I think. And there’s Jolly Jimmy, although I fail to see how anyone could be particularly jolly with that much dental decay…  Oh, and Mr Wowe who’s obviously a modest chap, and yep, there’s his little brother IAmFunDate4U – this should, of course, be pronounced in an Arnold Schwarzenegger voice for maximum comic relief. 

Dear God! I’ve just found a Bottom Dweller! What a thing to advertise! And here’s Rootbeaver and his wingman Muffsnuffler 😀 

Just goes to show, romance is still alive and snuffling in Cornwall!