How not to behave on a date…

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It’s that season. Everyone’s looking for a jolly good rogering love, so I thought I’d devote a couple of posts to great date etiquette. We’ve just had Things You Really Shouldn’t Say On A Date, and today, for your titillation, here is How Not To Behave On A Date…

Don’t:

• forget to shower
• forget to wear clothes
• turn up in fancy dress
• arrive late
• arrive on a camel
• arrive with someone else
• forget to arrive at all
• get yourself arrested
• do a strip at the dinner table
• ask to meet his parents
• use baby talk
• cut up his food
• wind him
• ask if he needs a wee wee
• talk to your food
• pretend your food talks back

Only follow these simple guidelines if you’re serious about dating. If you’re only going out because there’s naff all on TV, then have some real fun and DO all of the above. Not sure where you’d find the camel though….        😉

 

10 things guys should never say on a first date…

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• My penis is called Mr Winkey ~ Do I need to elaborate? No, I thought not.
• Do you like it doggy style?  Maybe, but you’ve just lost the chance of ever finding out. Introducing anything sexual on a first date is like signing your own death warrant. A girl wants to be wooed, not rude.
• I live with my mum ~ and I’ve never had to take responsibility for any of my actions, or do my own washing. You won’t ever make a steak and kidney pie to match my mum’s, but I’ll expect you to spend your life trying. And laundering my Y-fronts.
• Hi, my name’s Stuart and I’ve written a book ~ if a bloke ever says this to you on a date, take my advice and run! Don’t look back, just run. Run like your arse is on fire.
• Can I kiss you? What a wussy-wufty thing to say! But it tells me everything I need to know: this guy is an insecure schoolboy incapable of taking the lead. He needs to man up and grow a pair.  Instead of asking permission, he should just bloody well do it!
• You look much younger in your photo ~ crikey, and that’s before he’s seen you naked. Imagine how cherished he’ll make you feel when he’s got your flabby thighs wrapped around his neck.
• God! Did you not ask anyone how big your bum looked when you put those jeans on? See above.
• I’m on antidepressants, and/or I cry a lot ~ just put the poor bastard out of his misery right there and then, and stab him with a steak knife. Seriously, if he coughs up this much intimate info on a first date, he’s way too happy in his own wretchedness, and clearly not yet ready to let go. If you haven’t got the stomach for murder, walk away. Now. Before you’re begging him for Prozac.
• Are those for real? Nobody’s ever made this comment to me as it’s pretty damned obvious I’ve never had a boob job; who in their right mind would pay  for a couple of fried eggs (penny-sweet-sized) boobies? But rather more endowed friends have assured me this is a common question. Ye Gods!
• I’m still a virgin ~ only acceptable if your date is aged sixteen. If he’s reached forty and claims never to have done the dirty, then don’t be fooled; he’s either lying or he has no pecker. And God help us all if he really is a middle-aged innocent. I mean, who wants to re-live that particular cherry-popping moment – ‘No, love, technically you’re still a virgin. It doesn’t count if you come in your pants.’

10 things women should never say on a first date…

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• All men are bastards ~ yeah yeah, I know this is your personal religion, the mantra that keeps you going through all those no-hopers, but let me break it to you gently – the person opposite, your date for the evening, is in fact a bloke. He’ll take it personally, honest. And he might not even be a git; there has to be one good ‘un for every ninety-nine wankers you date. Doesn’t there?
• I want a baby ~ utter this shocking sentiment and it’ll be like learning to read all over again: See Tom Run Home to Mummy. However much your biological clock is chiming, however much you admire this guy’s jeans genes, however horny you are, DON’T ever mention the ‘baby’ word on a first date. Even if you are only talking carrots on the menu.
• Sorry, what was your name again? I know there’s been a few – Tom and Andy and Mitch and a couple of Davids, three Dicks and a William, but do try to focus, love. How would you feel if he called you Amanda? (If your name wasn’t actually Amanda, I mean. ‘Cos if you were called Amanda, I’m sure you’d be thrilled that he got your name right and didn’t confuse you with Deirdre or Ethel.) If you’re really useless with names or you suffer from amnesia, then surreptitiously jot down his moniker on a Post-It and stick it to your wine glass. Problem sorted.
• Shall I tell you about the book I’ve written? No, no, no, no, no! Unless you’re Stephen King, just NO! Nobody wants to hear a word-for-word account of the novel you’ve written, especially if your bland e-mails show you can’t actually string two interesting sentences together, and you have all the personality and charm of a dead flea! (It’s okay. Any second now I’ll stop hyperventilating. Breathe in! one, two, three. Out! one, two, three…)
• What’s your star sign? Now I know you’re thinking compatibility and how long before you’re forced to shell out for a birthday pressie, but he’s thinking ‘weirdo’. Men hate anything that smells remotely New Age (except for his festering socks, of course…) It may seem like a perfectly innocent, innocuous question to you, but to him, it’s witchcraft. Unless he’s wearing a hand-knitted rainbow-coloured jumper that smells of patchouli oil, then he’s an honourary girlie, so ask away!      😉    

Hey, dude! I'm a Virgo...

• I love you! See Tom Run. Again. Yes, you may like or lust after your date, but never mention the other ‘L’ word, even in jest. Or as reference to the food or the ambience of the restaurant. In fact, to be on the safe side, avoid all words beginning with ‘L’. Unless your date’s name’s Leo. Or Lionel. Or Luigi.
• Just a glass of water and a breadstick for me. I’m on a diet ~ despite everything the media tells you, your date wants a woman not a bloody stick-insect. Ever heard that well-known, deeply philosophical phrase – ‘More cushion for the pushin”? Honestly, be normal. If you show a healthy appetite for grub, you’re showing  you’ve got an insatiable appetite for er…other things…
• So, how big’s your doodah?  Have I taught you nothing? Don’t go there! Before you know it, you’ll have seventy-five pictures of his pecker in your inbox. He’ll have drawn a smiley face on one, added a beret to another and gone Brazilian for the third. If you’re desperate to know, ‘accidentally’ drop a beermat and take a discreet peek at his goods under the table. I said, discreet! That means no poking!
• I see dead people ~ you may well be attuned to the inner vibes of the late Princess Diana and Michael Jackson, but for the love of Mars bars and other things holy, don’t let on! Seriously, you’ll freak him out! He’s a bloke. His idea  of spirituality probably means getting laid in a churchyard during full moon. Have a quiet word with his dead granny instead. Tell her she’s looking great for her age, and with any luck she’ll haunt him into asking you out for a second date.    😉
• Technically I’m still a man… On second thoughts, say it anyway just to see the look on his face!   🙂