I have lots of ‘blonde’ moments and quite a few ‘incredibly dense’ ones, but I’m not completely stupid. For Doc2 appointment, I’d done my homework and rehearsed a non-confrontational, yet mature and assertive speech, stating all the reasons – quite calmly – why I would like a specialist referral: ‘ Don’t let me die! It’s been so long since I bonked, I’ve reverted to being a virgin! Pleeeeeease! Don’t let me die a born-again-virgin!’
What? I was stressed.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Before I’d even plonked my weighty arse upon the chair, Doc2 slid a piece of paper towards me: ‘I’ve printed out the results of your blood test showing that you don’t have Addison’s.’
Great. Fan-fuckin’-tastic. Now I knew what Doc1 and Doc2 had been discussing over their pre-surgery morning coffee. Well, bring it on!
Tiny: ‘Umm… Who interprets these results? It says at the bottom of the sheet ‘Normal synacthen response’. Who actually made that diagnosis?’
Doc2: ‘Someone at the hospital lab. They are trained, you know!’
Tiny: ‘And roughly how many of these synacthen tests do they process a year, do you think?’
Doc2: ‘Not many. It’s a rare condition. Maybe a handful?’
Tiny: ‘So, nobody specialised in this rare condition has looked at these results?’
Doc2: ‘Well, no.’
Tiny: ‘You see, I’ve been in touch with an Addison’s specialist over the weekend, and he says, effectively I failed the test because my cortisol levels didn’t double, and that shows the adrenal glands aren’t working sufficiently well. He says I need to see an endocrinologist for further testing. And I’ve printed out some stuff I found on the web, supporting this view.’ *Tiny slaps a wad of papers on the desk*
Doc2: ‘Hmm… Well, I don’t know how authentic these reports are. Did you use reputable sites?’
Tiny: ‘Yes. One has come from the official NHS website. And this guy is a leading expert in his field. And this bloke here runs – ‘
Doc2: ‘So, you’d feel happier if I referred you to an endocrinologist?’
Tiny: *squeaks* ‘Yes. Please.’
Doc2: ‘Okay, but in the meantime, I’d like to check out some other possibilities. I want you to see a gynaecologist for a biopsy.’
Tiny: ‘A biopsy? I just had an ultrasound scan and an internal, why would I need – Oh. I see.’
So, think of me on Monday, having my bits hacked at, because Doc2 would like to rule cervical cancer out of the frame.
But, on the bright side, at least I now have a copy of my synacthen test, stating my response was Normal. So, kids, if I die in the meantime, it’s in the cabinet under my desk, filed under S for Sue the bastards for every fucking penny you can get!