How to avoid nasty looking bottom fungus…

Image via PhotoRee.com

I don’t seem to be having a great deal of luck looking for lurve, but it’s not so bad, you know…

Advantages of being single:

• Ladies,  you need never shave again! No more fiddly, intimate area trimming, chin-plucking or near-death-experience leg-waxing.  Just let that foliage grow, girls, grow! 
• You can watch back-to-back chick-flicks for the whole weekend, wearing the same pair of stinky, egg-stained Winnie-the-Pooh pyjamas without some miserable bastard saying, ‘Why are you watching this crap? Football’s on in a minute… Are you crying? God, you are! You’re crying, you wuss!  And what’s that god-awful smell?’
• As a singleton you always get to sleep on the dry patch. Gone are the days of chafed skin and nasty looking  bottom-fungus.
• Your new hobby is munching crisps in bed. When you’ve finished, swap sides and sleep on the non-crunchy, non-cheese-and-oniony part of the sheet. Ideal.
• There is no need to shower or clean your teeth before going to bed. So what if your breath smells like a decaying landfill site? Ain’t nobody there to complain except for the dog, and he kinda likes it. Reminds him of licking his balls.

Disadvantages of being single:

• You have to put out your own rubbish bags. It’s particularly disastrous when the bag splits because you haven’t been arsed to empty the bin for a week, and it’s midnight, and it’s pissing down and you’re scrabbling over the path for squidgy tea bags, rotting chicken bones and the pungent  remains of last night’s Rogan Josh lamb biriyani.
• When you’re getting all dressed up for a night on the town, there’s nobody to answer that all important girls’ night out question:  ‘Does my bum look too big?’  Actually, scrap that. Add it to the list of advantages. No woman needs to hear the answer to that particular question unless she’s doped up on Diazepam.
• PMT is particularly problematic when you’re a Singleton. Screaming at a man is great therapy, although I’ve often found fencing with a newly sharpened carving knife is a much more intimate way of getting in touch with your feminine side. Can’t beat it, really.
• Finally, there’s no wardrobe-jumping, chandelier-swinging, rampant, all-night sex. But then, it’s the same when you’re married    😉 

While you were sleeping…

Image via Wikipedia

I opened my inbox this morning to find six messages from the  same guy. Six messages. One bloke. All while I was sleeping.

And from his username I really should’ve known what was coming…

Desperado: You look nice. Hope you will look at my photos, they were taken Xmas in Scotland. I do have some hair now. Hope you will get back to me and be honest with me? I don’t have a car. Will tell you about that if we ever meet up. But don’t think you’ll give me that chance. I don’t think you like me. Why, I am not sure…

 Well, do you like my profile? Do you want to meet? I will meet if you wish.

You don’t smoke. Is that why you don’t like me? Well, be like that. I would give up for the right person. It’s not hard but it’s up to you  to take my word for it.

You don’t believe me do you? My word’s my bond. I don’t say it if I don’t mean it, but you won’t give me the chance, will you?

No answer. So I take it that’s a NO then. A BIG NO. Fine

I knew it. I knew you didn’t like me. Why don’t you women give me a chance?  Your all the same. What’s wrong with me? Why do I bother when you won’t answer me anyway. Well, fine!

Typical. Sandra Bullock got the wickedly cute Bill Pullman while she was sleeping. Me? I got Desperate Dan.