I’m Considered Gorgeous, Cute and Versatile – no, wait. It’s just Versatile…

May God, Buddha and the whole darn Universe shower blessings upon my beautiful bloggin’ buddy Bernie for she has bestowed upon me The Versatile Blogger Award! Yay! Go, me! *does that celebratory circular thing with her arms, like she’s stirring two lumpy bowls of cold custard*

I luff Bernie’s blog; she is quite mad, and does quite mad things, like dressing up a life-size mannequin, hauling him all over the house, and photographing him doing the dishes or taking a pretend pee! How wonderfully awesome and creative is that? 😀
Thanks, Bernie for my wonderful new award!

Now I must share seven facts about myself. To be honest, I’m a little worried here; you’ve had my phobias, my dreams, my crushes and my mega-sized tampon-rolling stories. What is there left to share? My bra size? Oh, okay then, perv…

• My bra size is 36B and my arse size is huge. Happy now? 

I don't have a tail though... Image by varun_shinde via Flickr

• I’ve got two tattoos – a Japanese symbol on the top of my left arm and a Celtic type thing just above my right ankle. It looks a bit like a flattened cactus. The Japanese one is supposed to mean ‘Good fortune, luck and prosperity’. I suspect it actually says ‘Stupid mare paid £50 for this crappy doodle. Lol!’

 

First the arm, and now the ankle – hell, at this rate you’ll be able to piece me together like scraps of dog-chewed socks. Okay, okay, here’s another morsel:

And I even shaved my leg – just the one in the photo though…

•  I got my Master’s degree a couple of years ago, and now I really, really really want to do a Ph. D, exploring the changing gender roles within modern society. I also think it’ll make for a great chat-up line: ‘Take your clothes off, mister. You can trust me – I’m a Doctor.’  😉

Image by Jeff the Trojan via Flickr

• I suffer from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Basically, this means I poop a lot. If I eat spicy, I poop; if I eat fatty, I poop; if I’m worried, stressed or scared, I poop masses. Once – just before starting the MA – I was worried, stressed and terrified, and lost two stone in two weeks through perpetual pooping. Really, it’s an art…

Image by dianaschnuth via Flickr

• I’ve never broken a bone and I’ve only ever had one operation – a tonsillectomy, and boy! was that fun! I was thirty at the time, and you know how hospitals always feed children ice-cream after they’ve had their tonsils removed, well, I wasn’t allowed to leave until I’d eaten two slices of DRY toast. Oh yum. And it didn’t hurt at all, ripping away at my bruised and lacerated throat.
  But the post-op pain was the killer! A week after I’d had ’em ripped out, I phoned the doctor in tears, begging for horse tranquilisers. ‘It hurts sooooo much, *wail* I’m in agony! Help meeeeee! *more wailing, sniffing and snotty sobbing*

Image by jpockele via Flickr

• Number six… I’m really struggling here … umm… I know! Twitter! I have 121 people following my bird farts (phrase courtesy of The Coupon Queen. Sorry, I love that term. It’s mine now 😉  ) 119 of them are 13-year-old girls who really think I’m Tinie Tempah. I mean, WTH? Apart from the whole different name-spelling issue, doesn’t the gravatar image give ’em a clue? Do they really believe a big, butch, black rap-singer parades around in shiny bright red high heels?
  And I keep tweeting tweets like ‘Just to let you know – I AM NOT Tinie Tempah!’ but do they listen? No. I keep receiving messages saying ‘U R gr8. I luv U and Justin Beiber *heart, heart*’ Oh, the pressure of stardom…

Image via Wikipedia

• Okay, I’m stuck now – ask me a question – any question – and I’ll edit the post to add the answer. C’mon, I know you’re nosy – what would you like to know?
  NB. I DON’T know where you can buy Star Wars’ Condoms, so don’t ask!  🙂

Life’s Just too Bleedin’ Short for…

…ironing ~ I used to spend hours – nay, days! – of my life toiling to make clothes crease-free, and it was simply a waste of time! Kids just sit on your neatly pressed piles of laundry, or chuck it on the floor and kick it around the carpet, or the sweaty-wet dog, who’s just bounded through a dirty stream, makes it into a bed, or – best-case scenario – the kids’ll jam it into unforgiving drawers or cupboard recesses along with last week’s mouldy peanut butter sandwich.
And whoever laid on their death-bed – white and teary – mourning the demise of knife-edge creases running down the front of their favourite crimpoline slacks?

Image by DeHKsY via Flickr

… hanging your undies out on the washing line ~ it’s a fiddly, fart-arsey, far too time-consuming waste of life. And it’s no fun retrieving your favourite pair of comfy thongs from the elderly male next-door neighbour because there just wasn’t enough material to keep the little bastards pegged on the line. You know the ones ~ five-years-old, elastic chewed and dangling, dyed a murky grey from being washed, balled-up in the leg of your favourite pair of black, bootleg jeans, and marked with poo stains from that day you bent down to forage for a missing contact lens and the stringy bit really did go up your arse?
No? That’ll just be me, then…

Image via Wikipedia

… glossing woodwork ~ I hate, loathe and detest gloss paint with a passion reserved only for Jason; it’s just so gloopy, and you have to be really careful, working the paint, avoiding drips runs and drips on the carpet, and despite having to do it so carefully, you have to work super-fast, blending sections, because the paint you applied thirty seconds ago has already started to dry and just refuses to blend with the fresh stuff, leaving a lumpy, uneven ridge that looks like it’s been applied by a semi-conscious, drunk, blind cat  And, then, when it’s dried you notice a sketchy bit, but you can’t just dab a bit of paint on to fill in the gap, like you can with emulsion. Oh no, ‘cos then, it’d just looks awful, so you end up re-painting the whole of the bleedin’ skirting board or door. And, then, when that coat’s dry, you notice another sketchy bit and – arrrggghhhh! 

Image by Rockies via Flickr

… moaning  ~ nope, I’m wrong. There’s always time for bitchin’.

… making the bed in the morning ~ sorry, Irene and Hilary, but I just don’t get it. Why waste the energy when you’re only gonna go and rumple it again at night? And if your duvet’s permanently crumpled, nobody’s ever going to suspect that you succumbed at 2pm and crawled into bed for an afternoon snooze.   😉

Image by Patrick Q via Flickr

… regrets ~ however many ‘mistakes’ you make or ‘wrong turns’ you’ve taken, they’re in the past. Done and dusted. Gone. It’s just a waste of energy regretting stuff, unless you’re now in a position to put things ‘right’ – apologise or give it up or make amends, learn from it and move on.
Track back all those things that went ‘wrong’ in your life and, chances are, you’ll have learned an important lesson or developed as a person as a result of that trauma. Yeah, I know it all sounds a bit vomit-inducing and New-Agey, but you get my point!
Bottom line: we’re only human and we all cock-up from time-to-time, and let’s face it, even Spiderman could be a bit of a knob.

Image via Wikipedia

… wasting time on selfish, disrespectful people ~ we all need to develop a healthy dose of self-esteem and acknowledge our own worth, and either help teach these people some manners or kick ’em into touch. I’m not talking about friends who have an occassional needy moment – don’t we all? – or those who need support because they’re going through a crisis. I’m talking about people who continually put you down or abuse your kindness by taking all the time and never giving anything back.

Image via Wikipedia

… internet bleedin’ dating ~ ye Gods! I’d rather watch gloss dry than spend another minute of my pitiful life trawling the net trying to find a bloke with testicles in amongst all those weedy, needy, pathetic big girls’ blouses masquerading as men!

Image by Lee Carson via Flickr

…listening to Rebecca Black ~ ‘It’s Frid-ay, Frid-ay! Gotta get down on Frid-ay! Everybody’s looking forward to the week-end, week-end…’ Actually, why should I just suffer?

And so endeth today’s rant.
Now over to you: what else is life just too bleedin’ short for doing?

10 Good Things on Monday…

I must apologise – sorry, sorry, sorry – for not reading any blog posts for a few days – I’ve been so busy, I’m all behind with the fun stuff. I went to a Creative Writing workshop on Saturday – I have to just share this with you – we all tried Automatic Writing (meditation, putting pen to paper and allowing a ‘higher force’ to guide the words – could be God, Spirit, or your subconscious mind, depending on your beliefs). Well, most of us had squiggles to show for it, but Diane, the lady next to me, had three lines of perfectly formed  letters – but written backwards! We all crowded into the ladies and shoved her paper up against the mirror – it read: ‘Hello. I am here writing.’ Wow!
We all stampeded back to our tables, determined to find hidden messages in our scrawl. Eldest son suddenly yelled, ‘Mum! Look! You’ve written LOL backwards!’   😀
Am I deeply philosophical, or what?

Anyway, moving onto today’s post where I’m linking up with Nina on Brush Up On Your Reading for 10 Good Things on Monday, and this time I’ve chosen my ten most-loved books:

       1.Wuthering Heights ~ Emily Brontë

Probably my all-time favourite novel – it’s about love, passion and tragedy on the Yorkshire Moors – a once-in-a-lifetime, all compassing love that transcends the grave. A bit like me and Jase…   😉

      2. One Day ~ David Nicholls

It’s the 15th of July 1988. Emma and Dexter spend their graduation night together. The next day, they must go their separate ways. David Nicholls tells their story on this one day every year for the next thirty years. I love this book! My favourite quote: ‘You’re gorgeous, you old hag, and if I could give you just one gift ever for the rest of your life it would be this. Confidence. It would be the gift of confidence, Either that or a scented candle.’

         3. Dear John ~ Nicholas Sparks

Get your tissues out, girlies, this one broke my hardened, cynical little heart. Can love survive long-distance and the pressure of professional duty? Be warned: the book’s far more emotional than the film!

        4. Insomnia ~ Steven King

I’m pretty much in love with anything Stephen King writes, but I particularly love this one. It’s all about pensioner Ralph suddenly developing insomnia, yet as he needs less and less sleep, his mind becomes sharper. And then the hallucinations start – dun, dun, dunnnn – the colours, shapes and strange auras. Needless to say, there’s an evil force afoot, and Ralph must play the hero and save the world!

         5. Spanky ~ Christopher Fowler

Martyn Ross has a miserable life until he meets Spanky – his very own personal demon. Spanky makes Martyn’s wishes come true, but is Martyn prepared to pay the cost for such hedonistic pleasures? Really tight, witty writing with a story premise that explores the deeper issues of mankind, it’s a favourite, folks, it’s a classic!

       6. Blacklands ~ Belinda Bauer 

A chilling psychological drama set on Exmoor. Twelve-year-old Steven Lamb’s uncle disappeared as a child, and the family are still grieving. Everyone believes he was murdered by Arnold Avery and then buried on the moors. Steven decides to contact the child-killer, hoping to discover the whereabouts of his uncle’s remains… A fantastic story full of intrigue and suspense as we’re taken into the minds of both a small boy and a manipulative serial killer.

         7. Hot Six ~ Janet Evanovitch

Stephanie Plum is a blonde, sassy bounty hunter who keeps her gun in a cookie jar. Part six of a series that is outrageously, laugh-out-loud funny. This one starts off with: ‘Okay, so here’s the thing. My mother’s worst fear has come true. I’m a nymphomaniac. I lust after a lot of men. Of course, maybe that’s because I don’t actually have sex with any. And some of my lustings probably aren’t going anywhere. Probably it’s unrealistic to think I’ll ever get it on with Mike Richter, the goalie for the New York Rangers. Ditto Indiana Jones.’
I just love, worship and adore this woman: when I grow up, I wanna be Stephanie Plum.

        8. Where Rainbows End ~ Cecelia Ahern

 Aww, another we-can’t-quite-our-acts-together romance, but this one’s funny and touching. Rosie and Alex are naughty seven-year-old friends, then rebellious teenagers and finally, fully fledged adults. They nurture their friendship through misspelled notes in school, e-mails, postcards and misplaced, emotional love-letters. Will these two ever get it together?

        9. Play Dead ~ Harlan Coben 

I love, love, love this author and his clever plots and twists, always creating intrigue and suspense. I’ve chosen Play Dead because it’s the only one of his books where I’ve been able to work out whodunnit! Yay! Go, me! Laura Ayers is on her honeymoon when her new hubby drowns in the sea. Was it an accident? Or suicide? Or –gasp! – murder! A whole conspiracy plot evolves as Coben drip-feeds us clues and red-herrings.

        10. Pride and Prejudice ~ Jane Austin

Do I need to say anything about Pride and Prejudice? An all-time classic featuring the wonderful Elizabeth Bennett and Mr Darcy, and let’s face it, we all need a Mr Darcy in our lives *sigh*   😉

Thanks, Nina, for hosting!

A Little Something for the Weekend…

Let’s start with a small treat for the guys:

Angelina Jolie - Image via Wikipedia

 And now, a HUGE something for the girls:

Phwoooooooaaaaaaaaarrrrr!

Last week I watched The Mechanic – eyes as wide as dinner plates, mouth hanging open and drool dripping off my chin.

Ladies, you have to see this film; within the first five minutes, the smokin’ hot JS had stripped down from silky wet wetsuit to black Calvin Klein’s.
Oh, be still my twitching knickers!

Despite the title of the movie, Jason doesn’t actually play the role of a mechanic – well, not in car-repairing sense of the word: he fixes people – for good.
Gulp.
That gorgeously erotic mass of streamlined, pulsating muscles is, in fact, an assassin. But he’s not a ‘shoot ’em first, ask questions later’ kinda guy, he’s smart (as well as sexy) and makes every death appear accidental.

This has nothing to do with the film. I just couldnt resist...

All is going well in his world, until he’s ordered to kill his boss – a man he’s been friends with for the last twenty years…

I won’t tell you any more of the plot and spoil the story – I’ll just say, WATCH IT!

And, guys, you’ll enjoy it, too – there’s action, intrigue, double-crossing, guns, suspense and hot, steamy rumpy-pumpy. Oh boy! Just those scenes’ll keep me in fantasies ’til Christmas.

*squeal*

Love me More, Blogosphere…

Yay! My second award came from Irene at  The Soapbox. It’s The Incredibly Sweet Blog Award. How cool is that?

I love Irene ‘cos she has a wicked sense of humour and isn’t afraid to say what she thinks. Her blog posts always have me laughing out loud, or, as I like to call it – lolling.

For this one I must share 5 facts about myself:

• I’m a whizz with power tools: I’ve made all my own bookcases, shelving units, picture frames and garden planters. They’re all a bit wonkey, but I prefer to think of it as character… 😉
• Like Bernie, I have one of those faces. Complete strangers love to tell me stuff I really don’t need to hear! My favourite story came from a 70-odd-year-old woman outside our local hospital. I sat down next to her to make a phone call, and before I even had a chance to dial the number, she was halfway through the story of her husband’s  impotence problems. Poor soul was gutted because she wasn’t getting any, and was on the verge of leaving hubby to find a younger man! Was I gobsmacked? I think so! 

Image by rosefirerising via Flickr

• A couple of years ago I threw a mega tantrum in the street because my boys wouldn’t stop bickering or poking each other. I laid down and started punding my fists and feet on the pavement – all the time, wailing, ‘It’s not fair! I’m sick of this! Waaaaaahhhhh!’ The boys nearly died of embarrassment – especially when one of their teachers tried to squeeze past me!
  It shut ’em up, though…  😉 

Image by demandaj via Flickr

• I’m currently co-writing a pantomime with a friend. We’ve thrown together a load of fairytale characters, each on a quest for something different. I desperately want to play the lecherous ugly sister, but I don’t think I can co-manage and be on stage.
  Also, I’ve never actually acted before. I may just take one look at the audience and poo myself… 

Image by Auntie P via Flickr

•  None of last year’s summer clothes will fit me! *shocked face* We’ve been having some gorgeous warm weather (blink and you’ll miss it – those five days were probably the whole of our glorious British summer) and I tried to put on a pair of three-quarter length trousers. Gasp! Horror! There was a good five inches of gap between the button and the button-hole! I tried yanking – nope! I tried breathing in – nope! Lying down – nope! Pliers – nope! Arrgghhhh! I think it’s because I’ve been so worn out and for a quick energy boost, I’ve been stuffing chocolate. And biscuits. And cake. And Kit-Kats… Oops!

Thanks, Irene 🙂  Now to pass on The Incredibly Sweet Blog Award:

•  What Would Jen Do? – she’s interesting, funny and hosts the most wonderful Shirtless Friday posts…
• Truly Simply Pink – purely for being so PINK! And cool! And having a cute cat!!
• It’s Own Sweet Will – I’ve just discovered Lisa’s blog, and it’s funny! She has a fab sense of humour!

Hope you’ve enjoyed, and will visit my awardees and show these gals some bloggy love!

Show me Love, Blogosphere…

Irene from The Soapbox is dead right when she says that some blogs receive accolades from being featured on the WordPress Freshly Pressed homepage, and others receive it from their subscribers. We all know which mention means more.

There’s a  lot of controversy about ‘online friendships’: critics say we’re all pathetic sadsacks who have no social skills, and spend their lives hiding behind computer screens because we’re too scared to go out in the world and form ‘real’ relationships. Well I say, Bollocks! That’s just internet dating!

I’ve ‘met’ some great people through blogging and other social networking sites – people I now call friends, and my life is richer for it. I say, Thanks, mates, for all your support, your love, your humour, conversation and for each and every photo of hot, half-naked guy you’ve ever posted!

To have two – yes, two! – awards in the same weekend was just stupendously awesome! (See how I blended the English ‘stupendous’ with the American ‘awesome’ ? I know how to integrate cultures and promote World Peace.)

Alicia over on McCrenshaw’s Newest Thoughts gave me The Stylish Blogger Award and I’m honoured to receive it a second time. Does this make me doubly stylish? I love Alicia’s blog – she’s so fresh and writes with a gentle humour that always makes me smile.

To accept this award, I must share seven things about myself:

• I swear way too much, but I guess you’ve already noticed that one…   😉
• I love colour – the brighter the better – it’s so stimulating and invigorating. My bedroom is currently painted fucshia-pink and turquoise, and I love it! I once had to spend three months in a rented house that was wall-to-wall magnolia, and I was suicidal by the time we had to leave!

Hmm... is this why I can't find a man?

• I hate having my photo taken; I always end up looking absolutely gormless – either my eyes are half-closed or rolling like I’m stoned, or my gob’s hanging open like I’ve lost my brain! I hate, loathe and detest it with a passion!
• I hold ‘grudges’ for years – not in a childish I’ll-Make-You-Sorry! kind of way, but if someone acts so badly, abusing my friendship or my trust so much, I just cut them out of my life. I don’t have the inclination, nor the energy to waste on dishonourable people. And don’t think it’s one strike and you’re out, I’m talking about repeated disrespectful behaviour. 

Image via Wikipedia

• I believe in love and fairytale Happy Endings – just not for me. I truly think I’m supposed to live my life alone. And unloved, discarded by society, thrown away like a flaccid, used condom… (Aren’t you glad I’m not adding a photo to this one!   🙂  )
• My great ambition was to write romantic comedy novels, until one day, my uni tutor  said, ‘You  can do funny, love, but you truly suck at telling  stories!’
  Hey, don’t sit on that fence, mister, say what you really feel… 

Image by Enokson via Flickr

• Finally, I’ve got quite  a ‘thing’ about bald men – all that smooth, silky skin that only you, as a girlfriend, get to touch. It’s so intimate, so sexy! Well, from what I can remember, of course…

Thank you, Alicia! Now to pass on the award to bloggers I haven’t featured before:

Danny Llama – Dan travels all over the world and tells some fascinating stories!

Freaky Frugalite – Rebecca posts about all sorts of stuff and it’s always interesting and funny!

Marina Sleeps – I’m new to this one, but I love her! She has a great sense of humour and says it the way it is!

Pretty Fly For a Blind Guy – another one with wicked humour, but he needs to post more often! Hint, hint!

Talia – a brand new blog set up by Vicki – it’s a taster for a new women’s fashion magazine and somebody quite gorgeous and talented will be writing a column for it. Oh, and I will be, too! Would be great if you could hop over  and show some bloggy-lurve.

Gosh! A second  Award tomorrow! 🙂

Nine Men I Wouldn’t Kick out of Bed for Eating Crisps and One for Irene!

I’m linking up with Nina on Brush Up On Your Reading today for a post called Ten Good Things on Monday. It’s all about listing ten great that make you happy – favourite meals, fabulous books, must-see films – anything that that makes you perky! I probably won’t be allowed back because I’ve chosen to feature my personal list of Sex Gods (and one of Irene’s!)

        1.  Jason Statham ~ I could never mention hunky men without featuring JS. Apart from being knicker-twitchingly gorgeous, he’s starred in some of my favourite films – The Expendables, The Mechanic and The Crank and Transporter movies. 

Image via Wikipedia

       2. Heath Ledger ~ I loved him in A Knight’s Tale…  All that determination and knightly behaviour, and his pecs aren’t half bad, either…       

        

 

 

 

Image via Wikipedia

 

      3. Mel Gibson ~ yeah, yeah, I know he’s a bit of a knob and he’s had bad publicity, but he’s still bleedin’ gorgeous, and let’s face it, this isn’t a list about sparkling intellect or wonderful personalities; I’m talking pure rumpy-pumpy value.

Image via Wikipedia

        4. Jon Bon Jovi~ but only with the hair. He definately lost some phwoar factor when he chopped off his locks…

          5. Johnny Depp ~ oh, yum! He’s got that mean, moody appeal and Cap’n Jack Sparrow is one of my all-time favourite film characters.

Image via Wikipedia

            6. Jeremy Clarkson ~ Britsh TV programme Top Gear presenter with a scathing sense of humour. This one’s for Irene who absolutely lurves him…

Image via Wikipedia

        7. Richard Hammond ~ my personal favourite of The Top Gear team – he’s just soo adorable! I mean, just look at those twinkly, flirty eyes – cuter than a puppy and less carpet pooping.

Image via Wikipedia

      8. Robbie Williams ~ Whatever ‘it’ is, Robbie has it. Gorgeous, funny, vulnerable and brutally honest about his troubled life. I saw Robbie in concert at Knebworth in 2003 and it was amazing -the sound of 125,000 people all singing Angels was just mind-blowing.

Image via Wikipedia

         9. Ronan Keating ~ lead-singer with Boyzone, and couldn’t you just ruffle your fingers through his hair and tear his shirt off?

Image via Wikipedia

        10. Richard Gear ~ One of the few guys around who become more mouth-wateringly tasty as they mature. Richard’s been in two of my all-time favourite mushy films – An Officer and a Gentleman and Pretty Women. What a delectable piece of arse!  🙂

Image via Wikipedia

 

Yummy, yum yum! Hope you’ve enjoyed drooling as much as I have!

Thanks, Nina, and I hope I haven’t lowered the tone of your blog hop too much….

Am I Hosting a Porn Site Here, or What?

I’ve had some pretty disturbing search engine terms appear on the blog recently – so strange, in fact, I’m wondering if people are  confusing me with somethingverykinky.com. And if  they’d only leave their e-mail addresses, I’d be glad to answer their questions or offer some sensible advice:

How do you draw a penis with a keyboard? ~ An excellent question! Keyboards aren’t terribly well-known for their artistic qualities: I’d suggest using a pencil.
Groping mummy ~ Get some therapy, you pervert!
Too much soy milk hurts my arse~ Stop sitting on the cartons then, duh!
I’m going to have a heart attack.Oh my God! Oh my God! ~ Disconnect Google, love and phone a bloody ambulance!
How to have a flying human cock ~ that’s easy! Chop it off and lob that pesky little sucker out the nearest window.
What does Heroin look and smell like? ~ How the friggin’ Henry would I know? Do I look like DrugsRUs?
How do I reply to, Can I have your number? on the internet?~ Now this one’s a toughie…umm… how about Yes  No?
 Where to buy penis stockings? ~ See Bernie. She crochets a beautiful line in willy-warmers.
Tights for my penis ~ Jeeze! I just told you – see Bernie!
A picture of a pair of mens’ legs sticking out of a cow’s bottom ~ WTF?! Get out of here, and don’t come back!
Where can I buy Star War’s condoms? ~ Well, that depends – were you looking for a specific type, like The Dark Invader? Or the Chewbacca range for large and hairy ones? Or the ribbed Star War’s rubbers with a special head shaped like R2D2? Maybe you’re a single male suffering from Obsessive-Complulsive Disorder? If so, you’ll be wanting the Han(d)s Solo. Or, if you have a really tiny winky and your partner often complains that she doesn’t know when you’ve started, try our brand-new Yoda condoms. Fitted with a specially formulated heat device, once installed, your prophylactic will cheerfully announce, ‘Inside you, I am’.    

Image via Wikipedia

 

And I thought I was weird!
Maybe I start a new blog-hop called Strange Search Engine Terms Sunday. What do you think?

Follow Friday Four Fill-In Fun #7

Yay! It’s Friday and time to link up with Hilary from Feeling Beachie and her co-host Kipp from Kipps Version  for our weekly Friday Fill-In Fun!

Each week Hilary posts four statements with blanks for us to fill in our answers. I’m also going to attempt to add the linky. But just remember I’m techno-crap; I’m accepting no responsibility if you press the button and end up hotporn.com.

If you want to join in –  and why wouldn’t you? – please follow both hosts and add your name to the porn site linky. Also, visit Hilary if you’d like to submit two statements to be added to the next hop!

1. My favourite kitchen secret is disabling the smoke alarm. That way I can flambé in peace and it doesn’t disturb the neighbours. Or the neighbourhood dogs. My second secret is strategically placed scented candles or particularly potent joss sticks. This helps mask the stench of burnt flesh create a beautiful, calm cooking ambience.      

 

Image via Wikipedia

 

 2. Raspberry meringue is my favourite flavour of ice-cream.Yum! ADSA do a wonderful version – it’s creamy with crunchy meringue pieces and oodles of raspberry sauce.      

 

Image by chotda via Flickr

3. My favourite pair of jeans finally wore out! I was gutted; those jeans were awesome – stretchy, soft and shaped. (I always wear bootleg jeans; the flare at the bottom of my legs helps balance the size of my arse. I look more hour-glass than butternut-squash shaped.) They came from New Look, fitted me perfectly and were just so comfy. When they wore through on the knee, I pretended it was trendy. When they wore just just under my right butt cheek, I patched them with bright pink material. I wore them like this for about a two years ’til the denim became as thin as tissue paper and the strain of my mammoth-sized arse proved just too much for the patch. Jeans, I’ll always love you…

Image by madhavaji via Flickr

 

 4. If only I could have just one more boink. I’m at a sexual peak, for God’s sake – that stage just before the menopause when a woman’s hormones scream, ‘Boink me! Boink me, now! Before it’s too late! Before my body withers and wrinkles and I start smelling like moth balls and cat wee! Is it too much to ask for? Just one more wild, abandoned, hot and sweaty session of screaming animal sex?!
Oh, Jason, where are you when I need you?   

Image via Wikipedia

 
Okay, hold your breath – I’m going for the linky…

Okay, having problems with the linky… Hmm… Watch this space; I WILL NOT be defeated!

It’s My Birthday and I’ll Cry if I Want to…

Yay! Go, me! It’s my birthday!

Happy Birthday to Me!
Happy Birthday to Me!
I’m only Forty-Something, but I Look Ninety-three!  

   

Image by jo-h via Flickr

 

I stumbled down the stairs this morning and found what can only be described as a catastrophic explosive mess. The kitchen looked as if we’d been ransacked and burgled. It really should have been cordoned off with crime-scene tape – every work-surface was cluttered, every kitchen utensil I own was filthy and there were strange vomit-like lumps and splatters over the floor, up the walls and dripping down the cooker. And the washing machine. And the – You get the picture, right?

Hmm…had the burglar been sampling my cooking? Would I find him in a corner somewhere, cowering, covered in sick and clutching a plastic jug our family’s antique, solid-silver gravy dish?

And then I found the letter.

Dear Mum,

I attempted to make you a birthday cake last night. I fucked it up, but it’s the thought that counts, eh? 🙂 I used the cake tin to cook it in, but probably should have used common sense and realised it had gaps in the bottom,* so the cake mixture leaked over the bottom of the oven and nearly caught fire! Lol! That’s why there’s burnt Victoria Sponge in the bin, on the floor and pretty much all over the kitchen.
I’ve done a preliminary tidy-up (You did? Ye Gods! What did it look like before??!) but I’ll sort the rest out in the morning. It’s probably a good idea NOT to use the oven ’til it’s been cleaned, either.  🙂
I’ve gone to Canada for a few weeks to stop you killing me. Give me a ring when you’ve calmed down.
Oh, and Happy Birthday!
I’m sorry!!
Love you loads!!  Nigel! XXXXXXXXXXXXX

 * Loose-bottomed tin that needs lining! 

What can I say? I taught the boy everything he knows. I’m so proud! 🙂

Am linking up with Cole at All the Small Stuff just for the lol factor: everyone has else has added delicious recipes! 🙂